


silhouette

by galaxiay



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Attempted Murder, F/F, F/M, Human AU, M/M, Soulmate AU, idk probably more - Freeform, will add characters as i go!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8699146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxiay/pseuds/galaxiay
Summary: || Soulmate AU where people age until they turn 18 before they stop aging until they meet their soul mate so them and their soulmate can grow old togetherFeliciano Vargas fell in love at a young age. It was a chance meeting and although he couldn't be sure until he was eighteen, Feli was sure he was the one. They hadn't known each other for long, but the day his soul mate died when they were children, Feliciano vowed he would never love another as long as he lived. He began to recognize the signs of potential soul mates and would kill them before he could age. After being alive for centuries, it's become routine, getting rid of his soul mates, that is, until he comes across one he just can't bring himself to harm due to the striking resemblance between him and his very first love.





	1. Bye Bye, Baby Blue

**Author's Note:**

> \- au where people age until they reach 18 and then stop aging until they meet their soulmate so they can grow old together  
> \- the antagonist is someone who has been killing their soulmate for centuries whenever they find them and the protagonist is the newly re-incarnated version of their soulmate

December ; 15XX

It was a bitterly cold mid-December evening and Feliciano stood outside in his coat that was wearing thin and fraying. As the cold wind blew through his clothing and caused him to shiver, he prayed that someone would take pity on his for one night and let him inside. Often, winters in Europe were merciless and if one stayed out too long, especially on a night like this, they were sure to freeze. Double was true for a smile child like Feliciano who was barely six years old. 

He had tried to seek shelter in numerous bars and eateries and even tried sitting outside on the streets looking helpless and lonely, but he was always just brushed aside and ignored. Of course many of the women who passed already had their hands full with children of their own and the men just wanted to get home to their own wives and children (and where it was warm). No one had time or space or resources for one more whiny six-year-old, nor would anyone even take pity on him for one frigid night and allow him a warm meal or a spot by the fireplace. 

How wonderful would it have been if just one person would allow him one of those simple pleasures instead of just casting him a sideways glance and striding on, allowing him to continue scavenging to streets. It was them who let him eat what little he could find that others did not want and it was them who let him sleep on the cold, hard ground of the smelly streets where he was susceptible of various diseases. 

After he had given up to find shelter for the night, Feliciano had wandered into a forgotten alley and sat on the ground, his body curled into itself as he tried to rely on his own warmth. Something cold suddenly touched Feli’s nose causing him to look up. The sight he was met with were tiny puffs of white drifting and dancing towards the ground. Usually snow was something at excited Feli, but after being on the streets so long, it was no longer something that gave him joy. Snow had become something dangerous and to be avoided, especially when you were tired. More often than not, people who fell asleep in the snow didn’t wake up. Though he was only six, this was something that Feliciano understood very well. 

Feliciano knew there wasn’t much he could do about it as he had failed to find shelter for the night and the crowded streets were growing thinner and thinner as people disappeared into their homes. Looking up at the dark sky, he wondered if he would see the sun again, if he would be one of the lucky ones who woke up again in the morning. The snow made his fingers and toes ache even though they had lost feeling a few days ago and had gained a slight discoloration. 

With every passing second, he was growing more and more sleepy but he knew he shouldn’t go to sleep just yet and the ache would make it harder for him anyway. Heaving a sigh, he took a deep breath and quietly began to hum. It was a tune he knew well, one that his grandfather always sung to him before Feliciano and his older brother Lovino went to bed. He had even said that it was the same one he had sung to their _mamma_ when she was just a little girl. He thought of his grandfather as he hummed the familiar and comforting tune. 

Four months ago, he had left with Feli’s older brother, promising that they would return soon, but after three weeks and a half, Feli began to grow worried so the young boy set out to look for his missing family by himself. Months passed and Feliciano walked and walked every day as far as his legs could take him, occasionally being able to hitch a ride with someone else over mountains or lakes or rivers, but he never found his family. 

He then remembered as he hummed how his grandfather told him that if Feli was ever in trouble, all he had to do was think of him and his grandfather would come and save him. He had even given advice about this specific situation. “If you find yourself very cold and very sleepy, whatever you do, keep your eyes open and do not fall asleep. Stay awake and think of me and then I promise I will come and get you.” He had then made a goofy smile and tapped his finger on Feliciano’s nose. Even sitting here so many months later in the exact situation described, he giggled quietly thinking of the way his grandfather had tapped his nose, his humming interrupted. 

Feli’s dazed stare focused on the falling snow and he found himself unable to sing anymore, feeling more tired in each passing second. When was his grandfather supposed to get here, anyway? He didn’t think he could keep his eyes open for much longer. “ _Nonno_ ,” he whispered to the silence in front of him as the snow continued falling. “I’m sorry, but I’m just...so sleepy…” Feli hoped that even though he was disobeying his grandfather by falling asleep that he would still come for him, just like he had promised. It just seemed so impossible to keep awake so late into the night and that he was beginning to feel just a little bit warmer. The heat was so comforting and welcoming, it was the kind of warmth that you felt from waking up from a nap in someone's arms. Inviting and safe. 

Though he was feeling more comfortable because of this burst of warmth, he was still shivering, his limbs trembling at their own volition. Such as strange thing. He took in another deep breath through his nose and began to hum again, however, his tone was much weaker than before. The quiet imitation of the push and pull of his grandfather’s voice was slowly lulling Feli to sleep, hoping that when he woke up, his grandfather would have come of him and he would finally be safe and sound in someone’s loving arms again. Perhaps when he awoke, he would be back at their home in _Roma_ , cuddled in his grandfather’s bed and arms with Lovino, too while the fire made graceful, dancing shadows on the ceiling. 

He missed Rome, nearly as much as he missed his family. Feliciano had no idea where he was now or how far from home he really was. Four months ago, he had wandered away from the house and city, the only places he had ever known in search of his lost loved ones, but to no avail. The city was as distant as he brother and grandfather seemed in his memories. 

Just a moment sooner than Feliciano would have given into the overwhelming pull of sleep, what little light poured in from the street into the alley was blocked. Feli slowing lifted his head to see what, or who had done so. Had everything been normal, Feliciano would have jumped and screamed, frightened of the dark and the figures that lie within, but he was too sleepy to even think about what could be lurking just beyond that shadows. He didn’t have the energy to imagine anymore.

When he looked up, he saw a tall dark figure standing before him at the lip of the alley. All he could make out was the thick, dark coat that fell around the stranger’s shins. The coat reminded him of his grandfather’s cloak, the one he had left in and the one he was wearing in Feliciano’s final memory of him.

“ _Nonno_ …?” he said quietly, he voice barely a sleepy whimper as he blinked his lazy eyes up at the dark figure. A soft gasp was heard in the dark from the tall figure and before he could think, Feli was scooped up and cradled in the stranger’s arms underneath the coat.

The warmth of the body he was pressed up against sent a shock though he body. He felt even warmer than he was beginning to feel on the hard ground. Feli couldn’t help press his face into the figure’s chest and cuddle in closer, taking in a deep breath of the warm smell. It didn’t really smell like he remembered his grandfather smelling like, but then again it had been quite a long time and who else could it be? No one except his grandfather had even held him so closely and tightly, especially when his grandfather promised to come for him and everyone else on the streets ignored him. There was just no one else that it could be. 

“Don’t worry, baby,” an unfamiliar, but masculine voice cooed to him, walking at a brisk pace out of the alley and in the opposite direction. “It’s okay,” he said quietly and reassuringly. “We’re going to get you home and all fixed up. Just don’t fall asleep for me. Can you do that?” His voice was soothing and sure so Feli just hummed. It was that phrase again, “don’t fall asleep,” but how could he not? Feliciano was so tired, more tired than he had even been in his entire life, and he finally felt safe and truly warm, finally cuddled in someone’s arms again. He just snuggled in close to his new heat source, sighing in contentment. Just a little nap wouldn’t hurt, right? 

_Buonanotte, Nonno_ , he thought, a ghost of a smile creeping upon his lips while his eyes drifted shut. See you when I wake up.

////

When Feliciano woke up, he couldn’t more. His limbs felt too heavy and his vision was fuzzy. He could barely even open his eyelids enough to see out of them and see his surroundings. The room was blazing warm, heating up his skin more than it already was and causing him to sweat. While he felt impossibly hot and sweaty, he still felt freezing cold, as well. 

The sweat slicked the back of his neck, his forehead, his legs, everywhere causing his body to feel still more heavy and sticky, the piles and piles of blankets on him doing nothing to help. The fire burning in the fireplace to his right looked almost to the point to burning the entire room down and Feli could feel it’s blaze from halfway across the room. Being in that room felt too hot, but his limbs and head were much too heavy to move. All he could do was try to focus on trying to get his eyelids to life just a bit more and even that task proved difficult enough. 

After his eyes had finally focused and what felt like hours had gone by, Feliciano realized that everything around him was unfamiliar. The size, layout, and decor of the room looked nothing like his home in _Roma_ where he thought he would have woken up. In fact, this room didn’t look like any house in Rome would have. The whole room was much too small, the walls seemed much thicker than any building there would have been.

Upon further inspection, the bed was empty, save from himself. No grandfather, no brother, no one. It was just Feliciano, all alone. Maybe they had both just left the room to go get something for a moment? Fear immediately gripped Feli’s heart as he imagined that scenario. That was exactly what happened last time and had prompted Feli to leave their home to go find them. They hadn’t come back then so maybe they wouldn’t come back now and Feliciano would spend his entire life being abandoned. 

Not knowing where he was, where his family was, made him feel sick. He didn’t know anything anymore, but the only thing he did know was that he was all alone. His lower lip quivered and he felt the burn of tears in his eyes, but when he tried to actually cry, no tears would come. He opened his mouth to desperately cry out for his family, but only a wheezed puffed out from his mouth. Not only was he alone in some strange room, he was useless, helpless, and voiceless. This was the most afraid he had ever been in his entire life. 

After close to half and hour of dry and silent sobbing, Feli had finally gathered up the strength to lift his head. When he lifted it less than and inch from the pillow, he found that his brain pounded violently in his skull. Overtaken by vertigo and black spots dancing in his vision, he was forced a lay his head back down on the pillow. 

_I’m being punished for disobeying_ Nonno _and looking for them, aren’t I?_ Feli thought bitterly. His grandfather said not to leave the house and then not to fall asleep in the snow, but he didn’t listen so now God was punishing him for going against his grandfather and he was going to die. He was going to die alone, without his family, far, far away from Rome and it was all his fault.

 _I’m sorry,_ Nonno. _I’m so sorry._ Once again, he fell into a dreamless sleep, his pounding head and heavy body too much for him to bare anymore. 

////

When Feliciano woke up again, he could finally move and the sweating had stopped considerably. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the fire was lower, almost down to the embers with what small blaze was left close to flickering out. Thankfully, his body felt much less heavy and he was able to lift his head without worrying about it bursting open from the terrible pressure. He still felt a bit light headed, but it was so much better than the terrible heavy pain he had felt before.

Using his stiff limbs, Feliciano was able to push himself up into a sitting position. A massively thick blanket feel off his shoulders and onto his lap and he was hit with another vertigo spell. When that passed, he looked around to take in his surroundings. The only light was being cast from the flickering fire and embers, but it was enough to make out the rest of the room. As he had thought before, the definitely was not hims home in Rome and was not even in Rome at all. The room was too small, the walls too thick and the flag hanging on the wall above the fireplace wasn’t Italian at all. Instead of the green, white and red with a simple red cross in the center, this flag was bright yellow with an unfriendly looking two headed eagle on it. That was the flag of an empire. 

Feliciano wracked his brain trying to think of the empires near Italy. The one he could think of the clearest was the one in the North. He couldn’t remember it’s name, but he knew it was important as he had once overheard his grandfather talking about it with a friend. The only phrase he remembered from that conversation was “If our King wasn’t as strong as he is, the Empire would have swallowed Italy long ago.”

He shuddered at the memory, not liking the idea of Italy being “swallowed.”

Feliciano pushed the thought out of his head and got out of bed. He almost fell face-first onto the hard floor, but braced himself on the edge of the bed and with shaky legs, walked himself over to the window. Outside, the city was covered in a fresh and thick layer of snow. Nope. Definitely not Rome. What it snowed in Rome, the layer was always quite thin and didn’t stick around for too long. 

Now that he knew he was nowhere near Rome, where was he now? Was in closer or just inside the Empire? Those questions along with so many more raced through his head at a thousand miles and hour, but all he could do was stare out at the snow that settled over everything and sparked with the reflected the light of the moon. It was so oddly captivating that he couldn’t bring himself to keep wondering about where he was and instead just stared out the window. It was one of the most amazing things he had ever seen. In a Mediterranean country such as Italy, it almost never snowed and he had never seen snow so thick before. It began to dawn on him that he must be quite far from Italy as it didn’t even snow that often in the southern tips of France. 

After spending another few minutes watching the sparkling snow outside, he turned to face the door of the room, wondering what laid beyond it. Whose house was he in? Would they be kind to him? Surely they would, they took him in for Christ's sake, but then again, they could change their minds. 

He crept to the door and peeled it open slowly, peeking outside. He was met with an empty hall leading both left and right with a door right across from his own and another to the left of that. Taking a single step out, he glanced around the rest of the hall but quickly froze when he looked to the end of the hallway by the stairs. There seemed to be someone standing there holding a candle and staring right at him. 

“Oh, you’re finally awake,” the person whispered quietly before outstretching their arm to try and bring Feli into the light. He took a step back and scanned the person in front of him when their arm retreated as they realized that Feli wasn’t going to step forward into the light. It was a boy with light blond hair that fell over his forehead. He had the most striking pale blue eyes that Feliciano had ever seen. Most people in Italy tend to have much darker eyes and it was rare to see someone with blue eyes. The boy was a little on the chubby side, his cheeks plump and round while Feli was quite lanky due to the lack of food over the passed few months. Finally, the boy was wearing a thick, cotton nightgown. 

Neither boy said anything for a long moment before the boy sighed. “I’ll go wake Mother and Father,” he said quietly. “They’ll want to know that you’re awake and alright.” He then walked closer causing Feliciano to shrink back behind the door frame, but the boy then disappeared into the door that was next to the one across from Feli. 

The hallway was silent as he was left alone for a few moments until a young couple hurried out of the room, still in their night clothes. The women scooped Feli up in her arms and held him close to her chest, much to his surprise and alarm. She cradled him close as if she was his real mother and her embrace was both more gentle and more tight than his grandfather’s had ever been. If anything, she seemed more protective. 

Feli was tense for a moment before melting into her embrace, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was double-crossing his grandfather or something. It was just a feeling that he hadn’t felt in so long. The embrace of someone who loved him and was determined to keep him safe. In her arms, he didn’t feel like he’s be forced out on the streets again and he didn’t feel lonely or lost anymore. He had someone holding him tightly and lovingly once again. But she still wasn’t his grandfather and knowing and acknowledging this made Feli’s heart ache.

While he had been distracted in her embrace, she had carried him down the stairs and into a living room where the young boy and the man accompanied them. The man said he was going to put on some tea and Feliciano recognized his voice from the night in the alley. So it really hadn’t been his grandfather coming for him at last….

This however was pushed from him mind again as the women sat and rocked him in her arms, singing a soft lullaby to soothe him. He left himself fall into her embrace once more as her silky voice rushed over him. 

After a few minutes, the family of three plus Feliciano were all sitting around the fire. The woman had only slightly lessened her hold on him so she could retrieve the cup of tea the man offered her. It was silent for a few moment before she spoke. “Honey,” she said softly and slowly as if not to startle him. “What were you doing out there all alone? It’s dangerous out there for someone like you.

Not quite knowing how to answer, Feli simply shrugged and said, “Lost.”

“Well...where are your parents?” the man asked.

“I don’t know,” Feli answered truthfully. “I lived with my grandfather and older brother.”

“And where are they?” he pressed.

“They...um...disappeared four months ago,” Feliciano said, trying to seem indifferent when all he really wanted to do was retreat back to the blankets upstairs and cry his eyes out. 

“What?” the woman cried, shocked. “Where did they go missing?”

“Rome,” Feli replied simply and quickly, trying to hide his face. The tears burned at the corners of his eyes now and he wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed.

The entire family was bewildered by this statement, but Feliciano hardly noticed.

“Rome? As in...Italy?” the blond boy asked.

“ _Sì_ ,” Feli responded before pausing, realizing why they most have been so surprised. “Where….where am I now?” Feliciano looked up and around at all of them as the room fell silent for a moment before the man leaned forward a bit.

“Honey…,” he started, “you’re in the heart of the Holy Roman Empire. That’s nearly two thousand kilometers from Rome.”

Hearing that made Feliciano’s head spin. He didn’t quite understand what two thousand kilometers meant, but that was quite a big number so he imagined that he was very, very far away from him home. He was in the _heart_ of the _Holy Roman Empire._ In that moment, Feli had never felt smaller. It was as if someone told him that he had gone all the way to the moon and there was no hope of him ever seeing Rome, or his family, ever again. 

How was it even possible that he had made it that far all by himself? But then again, if he had covered 2,000 kilometers in four months, couldn’t Lovino and their grandfather had made it even further than him? But...what if they had actually gone back to Rome for him? What if he had just been getting further and further away from them with every day that passed? A lump formed in his throat as he thought about such a horrible thing. 

“ _Nonno_ …,” he whispered as tears overcame him. 

When the tears slipped down his cheeks, the women then hugged him tighter to her, trying to soothe him once again with soft words and hushes. Nothing helped and all he could do was sob until there was nothing else left in him. She wanted him to calm down but he just might never see his family again so how could he possibly calm down? He felt like he’d never calm down and he’d drown in the sadness. All he wanted was for his grandfather to hold him like this and tell him that everything would be okay. He wanted to be in his arms back at home with Lovino who would tell him to stop being such a baby and that they would never truly leave him. Feli didn’t even care if he never got to see snow again in his life, he would give up anything to see his family again. 

He cried until he throat hurt and his eyes were raw and there were no more tears that he could possibly shed, even though he felt like he would never stop crying. He could have drowned the whole world in his sorrows, he thought. Just before he passed out from exhaustion, he thought he would spend his entire life looking for his brother and grandfather. 

////

It had been years, Feliciano was now eleven, and there had been no sign of Feliciano’s grandfather or brother in all the time. Within the first year of them finding Feli, the couple helped him get back to Rome to see if his family had come back. The summer after they had found him, the arrived in Rome only to find that Feli’s childhood home was in ruins. Everything was just a pile of charred rubble and the house had been burnt down and there was nothing among the ashes that Feli could recognize. It seemed that all personal belongings aside from furniture had been removed, but to where, he didn’t know. In fact, he wasn’t even sure if anything had been removed at all as everything has so muddle and destroyed. It was impossible to actually tell what was burnt house from what was burnt mementos.

As soon as he saw what had become of if, he cried again. There was nowhere left for him in this world, no home to return to, no family, and no belonging he could call his own as everything he had ever owned was most likely now just a pile of ash. He was left with nothing and no explanation to why such terrible things had happened to him. He once again, found himself completely and utterly alone in their world. 

When they realized that Feli had nowhere to return to, the kind couple (Elizaveta and Martin) had taken him back to their home in the Empire and offered to let him live with them and their son, Otto. As he had nowhere else to go, Feliciano agreed and quickly he and Otto became great friends and although it took him quite a while to realize it, he began to develop feelings for the blond boy. It made him feel strange as they were both boys, so he tried to push the thoughts out of his mind as much as he could. 

He also eventually found out that everyone in the house (aside from Elizaveta who bathed him) though he was a girl. After hearing this, he thought it would be easier for Otto to love him if he didn’t know he was a boy, so he made Eliza promise not to tell and he kept his gender a secret. In all honesty, he was quite alright with being referred to as a girl and wearing dresses.

For the next few years, everything was fine and Feliciano was starting to feel like he had a real family again. It seemed perfect until the December before Feliciano turned twelve. He had been at home with Elizaveta all day learning how to sew and embroider while the boys were out hunting when something terrible happened. 

The two boys had been out hunting the last of the forest animals that had stuck around when something happened while they were out. When they came home, they were empty handed, or at least Otto was. He was actually being cradled in Martins arms, both of them soaking wet, but Otto moreso. As soon as Eliza saw them come through the door, she was up out of her seat and demanding to know what happened while collecting blankets before Feliciano even had time to register exactly what had happened. 

With great difficulty as Martin was trying not to cry, he explained that the two had split up briefly and while he wasn’t looking, Otto had accidentally wandered out onto a frozen lake when half way out, the ice was too thin to support his weight. As soon as the ice broke, Martin retrieve him as fast as he could, but they needed to quickly get him warm before he froze to death. Feliciano remembered that only a few years before he had found himself in a similar situation. 

Seeing Otto laying in his bed in the coming days, wrapped up in layers upon layers with a blazing fire next to him hurt Feli’s heart. In his sickness, Otto hardly ever woke and would sleep for days on end. Panting and huffing, he constantly sweat and his skin burnt to the touch. Every night, Feli prayed for God to spare him as He had spared Feliciano when he was sick from being left out in the cold. And every night, he worried again and again that it might be his fault that Otto was sick and dying. God was punishing him for loving a person of the same gender so now Otto was going to die. In his prayers, Feli promised to never get close to Otto ever again if it meant that he would be spared and wouldn’t die. He would even tell him that he was a boy if that’s what it took.

One night, Feliciano was awoken when the bed he had been sharing with the couple was empty. He heard shouting downstairs and crept out of bed to investigate. In was hushed as not to wake Feli (too late for that) and he was met with the site of Elizaveta distraught and yelling at her husband. “Damn it, this is all your fault!” she whispered loudly. 

“My fault?” Martin responded in the same volume, obviously quite offended. 

“Yes, your fault!” she confirmed. “It was you who got me pregnant with him only to find out that we were not actually soulmates and now the only one who was keeping this house from falling to pieces is dying and it’s all your fault! Think about Feli! Otto is her only friend and you’ve sentenced him to death! It was you who couldn’t watch our child!” 

All at once, it struck Feliciano who she was saying. Neither of them hardly looked a day over 18 and they hadn’t seemed to age since he met them close to five years ago. How would everyone react when the realized that they weren’t actually soulmates? Not to say that this didn’t happen often, but to avoid them being publicly shamed, one of them would have to flee so no one would find out. 

And the only reason they stayed together was Otto?They obviously had him together and loved him, but with him...with him...not around anymore, where would that leave the two of them? Where would that leave Feli? They clearly didn’t want to be together anymore and he doubted that without Otto, they would stay together just for Feli’s sake. He didn’t know what to do. Otto was dying and he family was about to fall apart all over again. 

Silently, he slipped back upstairs and tried to block the fight as he made up his mind. With a bag on his shoulders that he had stuffed full of his belongings, he stood before Otto’s bed, staring down at the struggling boy with teary eyes. “Hey Otto….,it’s me, Feli. How are you doing?” he whispered, not expecting a real answer. 

Much to his shock, the blond boy stirred. “Feli…?” he croaked weakly, trying to open his eyes. 

“Otto!” Feli yelped gleefully, trying to keep his voice down so the couple downstairs didn’t hear him. If they knew what he was going to do, they’d stop him. “You’re awake!”

“Yeah...but….I’m still so sleepy.” His eyes fluttered a bit, trying to keep them open and fight the heaviness. Feliciano noticed that he was shivering violently even though he was sweating profusely. He was speaking to Otto in his last moments and he couldn’t help but feel terrified. 

“Hey, don’t go back to bed yet, okay? I have something for you.”

Otto only hummed in response.

Feli took a deep breath before asking, “Otto...do you think we’re soulmates?”

“You felt it, too?”

Feliciano couldn't help but grin at the response before it started to hurt his heart. “I’m glad we both knew. We’re both about to go our separate ways now, but I just want to give you something that I’ve wanted to give you for a long time. Think of it as a...a parting gift.” 

He swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t do this; it hurt so much. How was he to live without Otto there by his side? It just wouldn’t be possible. Gingerly, Feliciano leaned down and brushed his lips against Otto’s in a delicate kiss, pulled up soon after.

The boy on the bed giggled weakly, his eyes unable to stay open any longer. “That was nice, thank you. I can’t wait to grow old together.”

“Me neither,” Feli responded, forcing himself to keep his voice steady. Tear began to slip down his cheeks while he restrained himself from begging his love not to go. There was nothing to be done anymore. He was just glad that Otto’s eyes were closed so he didn’t have to see it. 

“I...I have to go now, and it’s okay if you have to, too,” he whimpered, wiping the tears that refused to stop falling. “I love you, Otto. I hope that you find somewhere happy to go. I promise that we’ll meet again someday. When we’re all grown up and we can finally be together.”

Otto smiled and hummed. “That sounds nice,” he said, his voice barely audible. After that, he let out a quiet breath and his tense body went still as the air left his lungs. Also immediately after, Feliciano fled from the room, unable to be in there any longer. He just didn’t know it he would be able to handle it. Before heading downstairs, he peeked into the master bedroom to see the couple finally fast asleep, tired from all that fighting. 

Feliciano slipped out the back door of the house after gathering food he would need for the trip ahead of him. _Goodbye Elizaveta, Martin, and Otto,_ he thought fondly. _I will never forget any of you._

_As he walked away from the house he vowed to himself to never love another._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elizaveta - Hungary  
> Martin - Slovakia  
> Otto - Holy Roman Empire
> 
> chapter edited/rewritten feb.04.2018


	2. Like Coming Home

December ; 20XX

Feliciano stood at the window and watched the snowflakes dance and drift down from the sky until the settled on the ground. The world outside was slowly being covered in a sparkling blanket of white. The curtains of the window were pulled back; the freeze from outside working its way through the glass. 

Feli was cold standing in front of the window, but he didn’t mind much anymore. He just wanted to watch the snow fall as it continued to mesmerize him after so many years. Normally, he tended avoid cold places in the winter because it brought up bad memories he had long since buried, but occasionally, he would venture back North. No matter how little or much time had passed, he was always entranced by how beautiful the world could be covered in a fresh layer of snow. 

In his hands, he held a mug of hot chocolate which he gently tapped in a rhythm of a song he couldn’t hear. The warm liquid inside was slowly getting colder and would be too cold to drink if he didn’t drink it soon. 

Lifting one hand from the mug, Feli began to draw patterns on the fogging glass in front of his face. They had no particular rhythm, it was just him dragging his fingers into swirling shapes through the moisture. It seemed that he was lost in thought or perhaps he wasn’t thinking much about anything at all. 

Behind him, in the corner of the room, a petite tree twinkled and provided the only light of the room aside from the lamp on the table next to it. The sun had long since set behind the winter clouds and modest Japanese homes and the outside was shrouded in darkness save from the street lights and modest Christmas decorations around the small village. That was one thing Feliciano loved about countries that weren’t too big on Christmas: they usually decorated lightly with a few lights and trees here and there, but it was nothing extravagant like you would find back in Europe or America. Only sometimes did he miss seeing the decor of Times Square or Rome shining brightly with light displays and decor. 

While he stood with his mind on nothing in particular, Feliciano’s mind began to wander and it came to rest on his soulmate. Usually he was quite good at keeping his mind off of them, but every once and a while, his mind would find them again. 

They had to be out there somewhere now it the whole wide world, after all, Feli’s last encounter had been more than 100 years ago. Did they like the holidays? How did they decorate? Were they from somewhere that decorated modestly like Japan or did the celebrate the holidays with a bang like America? Did they celebrate religiously or did they not celebrate a winter holiday at all?

One hundred long years (or they felt rather short now the older Feliciano got) had passed since he had felt the pull of someone who he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. He outwardly cringed just remembering her and a bitter taste settled in his mouth. Thankfully he hadn’t had to physically harm her as science had come so far and he much preferred poison, but she had just been so young and innocent… He preferred not to leave a mess anyway and poison was just quick and painless and rarely attracted suspicion.

That was part of the reason he traveled. When he did so, he simultaneously increased and decreased his chances of meeting a potential soulmate. It also wouldn't raise questions if he suddenly had go and leave as it would have if he stayed somewhere for a long time. 

Quickly, Feliciano tried to switch his mind over from that onto something else. He didn’t want to think about the ones he had encountered, nor the one that he had yet to encounter. The one that he had to kill and was out there living their life right now. Also by avoiding the thoughts of soulmates, he was avoiding the risk of fantasizing about falling in love with them. There was no one in this world he could truly love, and he knew that very well. 

“Feliciano?” a soft voice spoke up from behind him. “Why are you still awake?”

When the Italian didn’t respond, Kiku sighed and stepped into the room. “Are you going to stay up all night again? You know, that’s not very healthy for you. You may have lived for hundreds of years, but you are still human and need sleep just like anyone else.”

Kiku and Feliciano had been close friends for a very long time and had known each other for even longer. The Japanese man was born in the early 1800’s to a poor family and when he was just a child, he wanted to travel the world. It was something his family could never do themselves so he would do that and bring back treasures for them. He was left poor until after his parents passed on and was sadly unable to travel and bring them something. 

When he was nearly sixty years old and remained looking like a teenager, he finally settled down in Japan to wait for his soulmate. More than twenty years passed and Kiku remained without a soulmate even though he well traveled within the country and spoke with everyone he came across. 

Finally, he gave up looking in Japan and took a boat to America to make a new life as an immigrant. That was where he met Feliciano during a stroll through the Italian district of San Francisco. They quickly became very good friends and Feli told Kiku all about his travels and adventures around the world. Even when Feli left to go on new adventures and they were separated by an entire ocean, they kept in touch, sharing stories and experiences. 

After they had first met, Kiku sheepishly admitted that he was approaching 100 years old and had yet to find his soulmate. It was embarrassing to him as most people found the ones they would spend their lives with long before they go to be his age. He imagined that he had to be one of the oldest people on Earth. That was until Feli revealed his age.

The Italian claimed to be nearly 400 years old, dwarfing Kiku’s age by comparison. What he said next had further surprised the Japanese man. He explained that he didn’t even want to find his soulmate and was actively avoiding them. The fact that a person might be avoiding finding their soulmate left Kiku speechless. While Feli had never really explained why was doing this, Kiku assumed that he must have just been one of those people who desired immortality, though he didn’t really seem like the type. 

For a long time, Kiku pondered of Feliciano and the love he was avoiding. How could you evade a potential lover for so long, especially while travelling to all the corners of the world and not leaving a single city untouched? In 400 years, Feli had been everywhere and yet he hardly looked a day over 18. 

_His soulmate must be sad_ , Kiku had thought. It seemed quite selfish for Feliciano to keep his soulmate living lonely wherever they were. They were sitting out there waiting for a lover that would never come. Though soon, Kiku learned to read his new friend and realized that deep down, Feli was just as lonely and pained, yet he continued to live in the way he was. In the end, it was just his personal choice and Kiku was not once to pry. 

Feliciano was now getting closer to 500 years old everyday and Kiku was coming up on 200. Only a few years after they had first met, Kiku had began to travel with Feli who brought him on amazing adventures, but he was still growing older and tired of not finding someone to settle down with. He would have never dared to admit this to Feliciano, but as he traveled with him, Kiku was also searching for his soulmate. After the search had proved futile, he lied and said he wanted a stable home for a while and found a quiet village to live in in his home of Japan.

The Italian never really seemed upset, just slightly bummed out that he had lost and long time travel partner. He didn’t even really need to travel anymore, he had practically seen everything twice, but the world continued to fascinate him like it was all knew again. Someone like Feliciano could easily find new friends and travel partners, young people on the search for adventure, but it still made him sad that Kiku had no more interest in adventuring with him anymore. 

Back in Kiku’s house in on the current December night, Kiku moved to stand next to Feliciano at the window, watching the snow swirl to the ground with him. Kiku wondered, not for the first time, why his companion seemed to have such conflicting opinions on snow and freezing temperatures. One moment, he was doing everything in his power to get somewhere warmer and the next, he was asking Kiku if he could stay with him for the holidays in his home in Northern Japan. 

It was another thing that mystified Kiku about Feliciano, but once again, he was not one to pry. Many of the things Feli did were rather confusing and a large portion of them seemed to be personal matters such as this one. Whenever he was somewhere that dropped below freezing, Feliciano always grew quieter even though he never seemed to stop talking other times. 

“Feli,” Kiku said quietly, placing a gentle hand on his friend’s arm. Usually he greatly disliked touching, but he also happened to be good at sensing when someone was hurting, especially when that someone was Feliciano. He might not have been very good at comforting someone, but he had known Feli long enough to know that he craved touch all the time and when he was upset, he needed it the most. 

As soon as Kiku’s hand touched Feli’s bicep, the older of the two melted and his muscles relaxed. “Feliciano, you need to go to bed now. It’s getting late,” he said, glancing at the clock on the wall that read it was nearly 11:30. 

The room was silent for a moment before Feli spoke as if he had not heard his friend’s previous statement on how it was getting late. “Kiku… Do you know what it’s like to love?”

The Japanese man blinked in surprise. Did he know what it was like to love someone? Love was a topic Feliciano didn’t seem to like touching upon and Kiku thought about his answer. To his knowledge, Feli had never loved anyone and no one had really loved him. He had once told Kiku that he lost his grandfather and older brother when he was only six years old, and then never really brought it up again. He wanted to talk about them more, but he just didn’t remember them well enough. Their faces were too obscured in his memories now.

Ever since he was a child, he had no one to love and really rely on like a family. He didn’t even have that many close friends aside from Kiku and a few others (many of which had found their soulmates to grow old with). After close to 500 years of being alone and abandoned, it was only natural that he wondered what love was like and how it felt to really love someone and be loved in return. Perhaps he was asking this because he was ready to finally look for his soulmate after spending so long avoiding them?

Kiku exhaled through his nose before answering. “No, I don’t. At least, not romantic love, which is what I assume you’re asking about. But I think love would feel something like…,” he paused, searching for the right words. What were the ones that made sense and what Feli needed to hear the most? “It would feel something like coming home, I suppose.” 

“Coming home,” Feliciano repeated, his eyes still on the snow outside which had slowed considerably to a sluggish pace. That was something he didn’t really know much about or the feelings that it brought with it. Every time he thought of the places he once called home, negative emotions were never far behind. When he was six years old, he had called Rome his home but when he was seven, he returned only to find ashes. 

Then, the day that Otto had returned home...the result was even worse than that of what happened in Rome. It had felt like Feliciano had been burnt down. But then again, when Feliciano first started calling them a family and treated where he lived in the Empire like his home...he felt like the strongest man on Earth. 

So what was the truth? Was love a horrible heart wrenching thing that he had rightfully and sensibly stayed away from? Or was it a glorious, wonderful thing that could empower a man enough to feel like he could take on the world? Was Feliciano really missing out? Either way, the feelings made he feel nervous, but then again, he was tired of travelling alone. Now where was the last place he called home…?

“Kiku,” Feliciano said suddenly, turning to face the Japanese man. Much to Kiku’s surprise, Feli was grinning and his eyes were sparkling. For such a happy person, this was a rare look for Feliciano. “I’m going to Germany.”

It was such a sudden statement and Kiku couldn't really connect what he had said to what made Feliciano decide on going to Germany. Why Germany? What had made him think of it? Weren’t they just talking about love before? No to mention that Feli didn’t seem to enjoy central Europe to much, bad memories from when he was young (or at least that's what he said), but even if he was getting over his past, why would he suggest something to suddenly and out of the blue?

“Erm...why Germany?” Kiku responded, confused. 

“Home,” was Feliciano’s only response as he turned back to the window, a soft smile still on his face. When referring to his home, he often named Italy was that was where he was born in and raised for the first few years of his life. He felt so connected to the country and when he wasn’t travelling, would stay there for years and years. Maybe he would stay in the same new city or town for years or maybe he’d find a new one to live every month. He loved Italy more than anything or anywhere he had ever been, and that was obvious.

Not even Feli was quite sure why he would so suddenly jump to calling Germany his new home. It just somehow felt right in his heart. Even though he didn’t really like going into central Europe, he was sure that that was where he wanted to go. It just felt like the right thing for him to do in that moment, as if it was calling for him. After Christmas with Kiku in Japan, he would go back to Europe and find a new home in Germany. Maybe he would find something new that really made him want to call Germany his home. 

He didn’t know very much German, just basic phrases and sentences, but he had a few weeks to learn something new. Learning new languages was always something that came quick and easy to him as he needed them in his travels to surely learning German wouldn’t be that hard. He could be fluent within the next year, especially if he learned through immersion. 

As the snow outside came to a slow stop, Feli smiled softly. _Home_ , he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter edited/rewritten feb.05.2018


	3. Ciao Berlin

The world below skimmed by, everything looking so small and slow from so high up, though of course this was not true. Small towns with modest buildings and big cities with towering skyscrapers alike passed by under the airplane with dizzying speed. That was one of Feliciano’s favorite things about flying: he was able to stop and appreciate humans from afar and how everything looked so simple from so high in the air. In his opinion, the sight out the plane window was always on of the best experiences this world had to offer and he had had many, many experiences. Though seeing the cities was a treat, he could never decided if he liked flying over them or the ocean more. 

Feliciano laid back against his seat, the clouds blocking his view of the ground below. He watched the slow moving clouds morph into new shapes and then disappear to give rise to new ones. As he watched them, he let him mind wander back to Kiku as it often did (he was his best friend after all and Feli was a rather clingy person). 

The plane had only taken off a few hours ago shortly after the two had hugged goodbye, but already, Feli was wondering what Kiku must be doing at this moment or what he might be thinking. He wondered if his leaving to actually live somewhere would spark something in Kiku to make him want to travel and go on adventures again. 

Perhaps, he would fly to Berlin, find Feliciano’s apartment and pull him out of bed in the middle of the night. Then, he would request that they’d go on another adventure to some new and far away place. They would leave in the middle of the night, the only trace of them having been in Germany would be the letter Feli left his landlord about how he had to leave so suddenly. A daydream of the whole thing played in his mind before he shook his head to discard the thought. That would be Feliciano’s dream, but it would just be much too out of character for the soft spoken Japanese man. He would at least have called ahead or waiting for Feli to wake up in the morning. 

The more he thought, the more Feliciano began to realize how much he didn’t actually want to stay in one place for such a long time. It was just so sudden that Berlin popped into his head and he decided he might as well live there. He couldn’t even come up with a proper explanation why he had picked Germany of all places instead of somewhere along the Mediterranean. There was just something pulling him there in his heart he supposed. 

It was strange as Central Europe didn’t really harbor the best memories for him but he couldn’t take it back now. The night he decided on where he was going to go, he went apartment hunting online and had found a decently priced one. While he didn’t have many happy memories from that area, he supposed he could start to make some.

Feliciano’s mind began to wind down as the sun began to settled beyond the horizon and he decided that he should get some sleep. There were still plenty more hours to go before they touched down in Berlin. 

////

It was snowing when the plane finally landed in the capital of Germany. Feliciano had been unable to get a proper nap in during most of the flight, only drifting in and out of consciousness for hours on end. It was a strange thing as usually he was always able to fall asleep anywhere despite the circumstances. Maybe it had just been that he was nervous. It would make sense as though this was the first time he was really going to try to live somewhere for a long time. He also still didn’t speak very much German which could have made him nervous. That again was strange because he knew enough to get around yet when he was places where he didn’t speak a single word of the language, he was never very nervous. 

Another reason for sleeplessness could have been from the very large man in the seat to his left who had been snoring loudly from when the plane went up to when it touched down. 

The trip off the plane wasn’t too bothersome except for when the very large man pressed up against Feli in order to reach his carry on bag and then didn’t even apologize for nearly murdering Feli between his gut and the plane window. After that happened, Feli gathered his own bag, got off the plane, collected the rest from the baggage claim and stepped out of the airport. 

Once he got outside, he was immediately assaulted with how cold it really was. Sure he had felt the chill as soon he had stepped off the plane, but then there had been none of the freezing wind he felt now. Feliciano shivered and pulled out his map he had gotten at the information desk and tried to figure out where he was in relation to his apartment. Much to his dismay, he found that his apartment was practically on the other side of the city and he would definitely have to catch a taxi to get to it. There was no way he was going to walk all the way there with all his bags in the bitter cold. 

After quickly catching a taxi, Feli soon found that the driver was an older man who spoke next to no English and could only communicate in German. With his limited German skills, Feliciano was able to explain well enough where he wanted to go and cab driver was able to understand. By the time he had finally arrived to his apartment complex, he was just about as tired as a person could be. And it was still snowing. He quickly greeted his landlord who explained everything to him, went to his new bedroom, and immediately fell asleep on the disappointing mattress. He then dreamed about his new life in Germany. 

////

When Feliciano woke up, it was early morning. He had gotten used to living in Japan with Kiku for nearly two months and then suddenly he was going to be living in an entirely new time zone. While he would have woken up well after noon in Japan, it was only a quarter til’ eight in the morning in Berlin. Before he could do much here, he’d have to force himself to get over his jet lag (which wouldn't be too hard as he’d done it many times before).

After laying in bed for close to twenty minutes and deciding whether or not he should get up, Feliciano finally pushed himself into a sitting position and rubbed the leftover sleep from his eyes. 

It was still overcast when he looked out the window, but the snowing had stopped in the time that he had been asleep. There was still snow on the sidewalks outside, but it had already been tracked through countless times and swept off the roads. He could hear the sounds of the city through the closed window and immediately knew he was really going to miss the tranquility of Kiku’s little town, but here, everything would move much faster like the Italian himself. He would just have to get used to it. 

After watching the city for a moment, he turned and moved to the living room where he had dropped all of his things before he had crashed. He dug around for a moment before pulling out and putting on some clothes. Usually he wouldn’t go job hunting on the first day, but he might as well. The fact that it was barely eight in the morning made Feli feel unusually productive. The ideal job for him would be somewhere that dealt with food like a cafe or a restaurant. Either kitchen or wait staff would work for him as he wasn’t too picky and excelled in both cooking and customer service. A job was a job after all and if he worked with something he loved, he was sure that whatever he was there, he would love it. 

As Feliciano walked through the city, he pulled his coat tighter around him and tried to hide his face in it. This place was a lot colder than anywhere he had been in a long time and Feli much prefered warm weather, even hot weather, to such freezing temperatures. Even where Kiku had lived, it was much warmer there than it was here in Berlin currently. While in Kiku’s village, it would snow but soon melt after a day or too while her, it was cold enough to snow again and stay for maybe close to a week in no one bothered to clear it.

Despite the cold, Feli countinted his search, but every cafe and restaurant he came across within comfortable walking distance from his apartment turned him down one after the other. The reasons for why the refused to hire him ranged from him not speaking much German (his German was fine, thank you, but he was just a bit slow at speaking it right now), or because they weren’t actually hiring, or because they didn’t like his resume (but they never actually stated what they disliked about it?)

Even when he tried to show that he was quite decent at speaking German and knew enough to get by, they seemed to purposely speak too fast for him the properly understand so he’d have to ask them to repeat themselves. When he tried to explain while he could communicate well enough and it was impossible to properly learn a language when one spoke that fast, they would have no of it. They claimed that it would seem rude to customers if he had to repeat themselves all the time and bare with Feli’s slow and slightly clumsy German. 

On top of that, half the time, they barely even glanced at his resume but what was not to like about it? He was very well experienced in customer service, very friendly, knew how to cook and was rather good at it if he did say so himself. He even knew how to speak or at least communicate in many different languages such as English, Italian, Greek, and a little bit of Russian, Polish, and Turkish. Even though these were all very popular languages here in Berlin, he was turned down still. 

In order to look for more place for him to apply at, he had to get on a bus and take a short ride away from his apartment which made him a bit nervous. What if he got lost and couldn’t find his way home and then just died alone on the street? Feli was the king of worrying and anxiety when it came to things like this. You’d think after so many years of travelling, he’d been calmer about getting lost by now. He tried to memorize all the turns that the bus took so he could find his way back, but he began to get swept up in his nervous thoughts again. 

If he was unable to find a cafe or restaurant to take him, what was he supposed to do? Berlin was a pretty big city with a lot of places he could work, but Feli couldn’t work somewhere that was on the complete other side of the city. What if the only places that would bother to hire him were too far away? He could not make that commute every day for the rest of his time spent in Germany. Hell, he probably couldn't even do that for a week! It was now nearing noon and at this rate, it felt like Feliciano would never find a job. 

Even worse than never finding a job, he would have to take an office job or something like that. There he would have to work in a tiny cubicle doing horribly boring and dull work for the rest of his life! If that ever did happen, he could of course start all over again in Italy and find a job there, but not only did he come to like Berlin already, he would be disappointing Kiku. Kiku’s approval meant the world to Feliciano and he just couldn’t bare him giving him _that look_. But what if he did have to end up in a dreadful office job just so Kiku wouldn’t be disappointed in him? What would Feliciano do then? He didn’t want to suffer in an office cubicle for the rest of his life!

Just as that finally horrific thought passed through his mind, the bus came to a stop and a couple passengers began filing off the bus. Feliciano sighed and stood, guessing that he better be getting off with them. Feeling dejected, he walked down the sidewalk before his stomach grumbled. It was almost noon and he hadn’t even eaten breakfast this morning. Maybe in the next place, he wouldn’t even ask for a job at all, he would just get a quick bite to eat and then be on his way to find (and be rejected from) somewhere else. 

Soon, Feli found himself inside a rather large and trendy cafe, the sign outside claiming that it was named Sweet Cup Amsterdam. As well as being large and trendy, it also seemed extremely busy with almost every single chair and booth in the place filled, including those on the balcony above the main floor. In order to find a chair in the overcrowded room, Feliciano had to stand on his tiptoes for a moment and peer over everyone else’s heads. After a few seconds of searching, he spotted the only empty table in the back of the room in front of the ceiling to floor windows. He maneuvered through all the other packed tables in the cafe in order to reach it before sitting down in on of the only two empty seats at the small table. 

Feli stared out the windows at all the people bustling by and listened to the countless conversations the floated by in the large room. He wondered what it was about this cafe that apparently made it the place to be. Everywhere else he had gone, nowhere was anywhere near this packed. Maybe it was just rush hour and people were just hungry? That was a very likely conclusion but wouldn’t a lot of people just leave and go somewhere else once they saw how packed it already was, especially if they were in a hurry. 

Another possibility was the food quality. Maybe this place served the best food in all of Berlin. Maybe it served the best food in all of Germany! Or maybe it was the prices that made it a popular stay. It might not have the best food in all of Germany, but perhaps it had the cheapest. One euro for a cup of coffee, less than five for an entire cake! Could a cafe survive on a system like that? With another sweep of the room, Feliciano decided, yes, it certainly can. 

While he glanced around the room, he caught the eye a short-haired, really cute brunette wearing an apron from halfway across the cafe. She had just descended the stairs from the upper level. She nodded to him in acknowledgement and the called out, “ _Einen Augenblick noch, bitte!_ ” It took his a moment to process exactly what she said, but he did recognize after a moment that she said she would be with him in a moment. He nodded back to show that he understood, but by the time he did, her back was already to him and she was tending to some other customers. 

Feli then picked up the menu that was standing on the table and skimmed the items glancing up every few moments at the women. She was moving between the tables so effortlessly, getting around to everyone and it began to dawn on him that she was the only wait staff in the cafe currently. Why was she doing this all by herself and where were all the others? It didn’t seem right, especially on such as busy time of day like this. 

Finally she managed to reach him and gave him a tired smile. Then she said something in quick German that Feli didn’t quite catch. It sounded like an apology, maybe an introduction, and then ended with a question. 

“Eh…. _Noch einmal langsamer, bitte?_ ” he asked, fumbling over his worlds just a little bit. 

She nodded in understanding and said, “ _Englisch?_ ”

“Yes, please,” Feli responded in relief. “My German isn’t all that great yet.”

“It’s no problem,” she shrugged, still smiling, but it seemed a bit more genuine this time. “We get a lot of non-German speakers through here, you know, tourists and all.”

“Oh, well I’m not a tourist. I actually live here now.” He puffed out his chest, trying to seem impressive.

“Oh yeah? How long have you been here?”

“Eh...only yesterday,” he admitted sheepishly. She giggled at this and Feli quickly tried to save himself. “But I think my German is pretty good for only actually starting to learn in a month ago.”

“Learning by immersion, huh? And German of all languages!” She let out a laugh, though not in a mocking way. “I wish you luck then. Anyway, what I said earlier was that I was sorry for making you wait. My name is Bella, do you know what you want to order?” 

The corners of Feliciano’s mouth turned up a little bit at her name as he leaned forward, trying to appear suave. “ _Ciao, Bella_ ,” he said. “You know, I’m Italian and in my language, _bella_ means _beautiful lady._ ” He then threw in a wink for extra measure. Even though he didn’t want to find his soulmate, he always had a weakness for pretty girls (and boys for that matter). 

She blinked at him in surprise for a moment before bursting into a giggling fit. Alright, not the desired effect but… 

“Gosh, that’s a new one!” she said. “You’re pretty cute, especially with that wink, but I think you’re going to have to try harder than that. So what would you like to order?” Yep. Definitely not the desired effect. Bella then paused for a moment and then added, “And no, I am not on the menu.”

Feliciano deflated a little bit at her simply calling his cute before turning him down, but answered her nonetheless (a simple espresso and slice of vanilla cake) and she quickly turned and hurried away, heading towards the kitchen behind that counter at the front of the cafe. As soon as the went in the kitchen, she was leaving again, off to tend to more guests that had just arrived and taken the recently vacant booth near the door. So she was completely alone aside from the kitchen staff that probably couldn’t be more than two people. 

This cafe was not a small on and was definitely not fit for only three people to be working here. The prices weren’t as low as he had speculated so surely they could stand to hire more people here and pay them just fine? Was everyone just out sick or something? It was mid-January and with the flu going around, you didn’t want to be around food you’ll be serving others, but this place could use a staff of at least six more people. He resolved to ask Bella about it when she came back. 

Surprisingly, it didn’t take very long for her to come back with his food. She told him to enjoy and was about to hurry off again before he stopped her. “Hey, Bella, can I ask you something?”

She turned back to him. “Yeah? What is it?” 

“Why is there no one else working here? You’re obviously the only waitress and the kitchen can be more than just a few people.”

She sighed and shook her head a bit. “No this is sadly all we have. We'd have one younger girl who is a waitress, but she goes to school on weekdays and only works here on weekends and every other day after school.”

“But this place is so big! There’s no way you can handle it here just by yourself almost every day! How long has it been since you last had a day off?” he gaped at her.

“A long time,” she muttered, suddenly interested in her shoes. Feli then realized he might have come off a bit rude. Then, he had a brilliant thought.

Leaning forward again, he suddenly asked, “Are you hiring? I could work here with you!” This was his chance! This cafe, Sweet Cup Amsterdam, was in desperate need of more staff and this was the place he had been looking for this whole time! It was obvious he would be put on wait staff, but maybe they would let him add a few things to the menu (it had good stuff an all, but it was a bit lacking in the sweets section). 

Bella looked at him, obviously quite surprised. “Are...are you serious? I...do you have a resume or something? I mean I don’t really need it, we can use all the help we can get, but you know, formalities.” She smiled widely and held out her hand. 

Feliciano mirrored her smile and fished the paper from his pocket before presenting it to her. She took it from his and without even glancing at it said, “You’re hired! You started tomorrow morning at nine. I’m going to take this,” she held up the paper, “and go show this to the kitchen staff and then to our boss later tonight. Thank you so much,” she glanced down at the paper for his name, “Feliciano!”

With that, she scampered away between the tables and towards the kitchen and in that moment, Feli didn’t even mind so much that she pronounced his name wrong (she had used a soft c sound instead of ch). 

After she left, Feliciano ate his food happily, drank his coffee and then stood up, intending to go home and spend the rest of his day relaxing. As he walked out the cafe door, he caught Bella’s eye and smiled and nodded at her to which she returned. Her smile was so much bigger and brighter now, he noticed, not to tired and strained. Feli couldn’t help but feel a small sense of pride for making her happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella - Belgium 
> 
> Translations:  
> "Einen Augenblick noch, bitte!" - Just a moment, please!  
> "Noch einmal langsamer, bitte?" - Again, slower, please?  
> "Englisch?" - English?
> 
> Chapter edited/rewritten: feb.17.2018


	4. Thirty / Eighteen

As time and months passed, Feliciano continued to wake up with a smile on his face before he headed to work. Originally, he didn’t really know if he’d like staying in Berlin, but he continued to be proved wrong the longer he stayed. Of course going to work almost every day with few days to himself in between was a bit tiring, but in the end, it was always fun and everyday felt like a new experience. He got to meet and chat with all types of people and quickly made friends with the people at his work.

Bella van Dijk was obviously the first person he had met and made friends with. He learned that she was originally from Belgium before she moved to Germany with her older brother Abel van Dijk. She was only in her late 40’s and her brother wasn’t much older than her. Feli also learned that she had a bit of stage fright, she had a phenomenal singing voice. 

Her brother Abel was actually her half brother from the Netherlands. He had moved to Belgium with his father after his mother had passed away from illness. There he had met a woman with a similar predicament: her soulmate had died. The two ended up falling in love and in a rare event, continued to age together. Often the more a person aged with their soulmate, it grew more and more unlikely that they would stop aging to meet someone else after their original soulmate had passed. The story of Abel’s father and Bella’s mother was a bittersweet love story that made Feliciano think back to his own Grandfather. Of course, Abel was not really the type to open up about himself, so Bella had to inform him. 

Abel also happened to be the owner to the cafe. He was rather strict and stingy and didn’t really like Feliciano at first. He usually worked in the kitchen and Feli had a suspicion that he chose him to be wait staff was because then they would rarely have to see each other. That was fine by Feliciano anyway because he was a friendly person by nature which made him good with the customers.

The only other person working in the kitchen was a girl named Hana Novak. She appeared a lot younger than eighteen due to her height and soft cheeks, but Feli suspected that she was actually closer to his age. She was born in present day Czech Republic and that was where she called home, but she must have been around since at least the days of the Holy Roman Empire.

Very rarely would she talk about events from so long ago, but when she did, she spoke of them as she had witnessed them. She seemed to not like to talk about things from too long ago and she never really gave up her real age. There would have been many reasons for that such as trying to create the illusion that she was younger than she was or she had quite a few unpleasant memories from long ago (which seems to be the case for many been more than a new hundred years old).

Feliciano also thought that she was the type of person who found it embarrassing to have not found her soulmate yet. A lot of people found in embarrassing the older they got without finding the one they were meant to be with. Even just fifty years felt like an eternity when you spent it all alone (Feli would know). Sometimes even he felt a bit self-conscious since it had been hundreds of years and for most people, it didn’t take anywhere near that long. 

When people found out his age, he just simply explained that he wasn’t looking for love and then recounted some of his adventures. Doing this made the feeling go away as the awed faces of most made him feel so much better for just a moment. It also made him forget for just a moment that his hands were stained with the blood of the people he could have grown to love.

The young girl Bella had mentioned the first time she met Feliciano was only fifteen years old and from Liechtenstein. Her name was Lily Zwingli and had an older brother named Vash who was only seventeen. The story of why they are from different countries was a bit less dramatic than Abel’s and Bella’s. Their mother had just been simply visiting friends on the other side of the border when she suddenly went into labor and had Lily. They usually didn’t talk much about their parents or why they were all alone in Germany so the rest of Sweet Cup’s staff made sure to stay away from that topic. All Feli knew was that it was a kind of sensitive subject for them both. 

Vash usually dropped Lily off on weekends and then left to go to his own work. He, unlike his sister, worked everyday of the week even though he also had school to attend. Whenever he came back to pick her up was when Lily’s shift ended, no matter how long she had been working that day. Some days, she would insist that she’d just work a little while longer so Vash would sit at one of the tables and watch the cafe while he waited without buying anything. This annoyed the hell out of Abel. 

Abel and Vash had quite an interesting relationship. Their personalities were very similar, both being stingy and liking money, so Vash just sitting there and not buying anything drove Abel mad. Vash still refused to by anything from Abel’s cafe simply because it was his cafe and the two seemed to enjoy spiting each other.

On more than one occasion, though, Feli had seen Lily sneaking some food out of the kitchen and to her brother which he always ended up taking after trying to refuse. Though he always tried to refuse, it was obvious that he did want it. He would then hold it on his lap under the table and sneak bites when he thought no one was looking. It only reminded Feliciano of the reality that the siblings were probably very poor as bother of them worked whenever they could, trying to balance school as well as live in a major city like Berlin. It only brought of more questions about their lives that Feli knew he shouldn’t ask. 

Vash kind of reminded Feliciano of his own older brother, Lovino. They both had short tempers and acted distant, but they still obviously loved those closest to them. Whenever Vash came to pick Lily up, he’d help her slip on her pink overcoat, link their arms, and then walk off together. Feliciano found this adorable and made him wish that he still had someone to love him like that. 

Lovino was rather hazy in Feli’s memory, but Feli could still vaguely recall how he acted. Though he could come off rude sometimes (or most of the time), he loved his friends and family, especially his younger brother. He had tried to hide it and act like he hated him, but in truth, when Feli needed someone, his brother had always been there for him. Brothers had to stick together. Or just any siblings in the case of Lily and Vash. 

It was a Saturday in early March on a rather nice day when Feliciano made another friend and with one of the most interesting people he had ever met. He was cleaning up tables as soon as the vacated while Lily and Bella hurried around, taking orders and bringing them out. In was one of those days that seemed like just as on table was emptied, it would be filled up again just as fast. The cafe was loud and it felt like an endless cycle, but Feli was still enjoying himself. 

Just as he was leaving the kitchen after taking in some plates and cups to be cleaned, Bella brushed passed him, looking quite flustered. He wanted to ask if she could be alright, but thought better of it since he probably looked the same. Instead he carried on, but Bella suddenly turned and grabbed his arm. “Hey, Feli,” she said breathlessly. “Can you please serve Roderich? He’s a frequent customer with dark hair and glasses. Lily and I are just too busy to get to him right now.” 

“Of course!” Feliciano chirped.

“God, thank you so much. He’s upstairs and will probably be by the windows.” With that, Bella was already hurrying off again to give her next order to the kitchen. Feliciano climbed the stairs and saw the man that seemed to match Bella’s description. Dark hair and glasses, sitting by the corner window. Thankfully, there were less chairs up here to work his way through so it wasn’t that hard to get to him.

As he approached the man, Roderich, he began to notice his beauty. It was the kind of elegant beauty that seemed effortless yet well maintained at the same time. He was tall and thin with perfect posture as he held a book aloft in his hands. His dark brown, nearly black, hair had a kind of unkemptness to it that suggested that he actually put time into trying to get it to look like that. On his long and narrow nose rested a pair of glasses and just under the corner of his bottom lip sat a small mole. He wore dark pants with a white button-up shirt with a pattern printed all over it. Where those tiny bees?

It didn’t matter what was on his shirt anymore as Feli had reached the table and was standing before him. He couldn’t focus too much on Roderich or what he wore or anything else about him or else Feli would be afraid that he would become too flustered to speak. This man also carried a professional, regal air to him. He could have easily been some sort of undercover prince or something of the sort. As mentioned before, Feliciano had a weakness for attractive men as well as women, but women were much easier to talk to in his opinion. Men such as the one before him got him a bit tongue-tied way too easily. 

Gathering himself, Feli kindly greeted him in German. “Hello, my name is Feliciano; what can I get for you today?”

Roderich barely lifted his gaze up from the book in his hands to peer at Feliciano from above his glasses. His eyes were a mesmerizing shade of dark blue, putting Feli in a trace yet again. After a moment though, he forced himself to snap out of it and shifted on his feet uncomfortably. He was just so beautiful and intimidating, something that Feliciano didn’t think could ever go together…

He blinked once, slowly, his dark, thin eyebrows slightly arched, before saying something in quick German that much less sounded like he ordered something and more like he had made fun of his waiter. Feliciano struggled to piece everything together in his head, but was failing miserably. When a troubled look crossed his face and he had failed to answer within a few seconds, a half smile which seemed more sarcastic than anything else crossed Roderich’s face. Even though the smile said that he was mocking him, Feli couldn’t help but find the man before him even more ethereal. 

“Hah,” he said dryly before speaking in English for Feli. “I knew there was no way you could speak fluent German. It wasn’t even your accent that gave you away. Anyway, I’ll have a slice of triple chocolate cake with an Iced French Vanilla latte.” 

Feliciano gaped at him, completely taken by surprise. Roderich hadn’t even paused between practically insulting him and his order! When Feli was able to find words again, he sputtered, “Hey, that was pretty rude!” He felt his cheeks flare up with heat and embarrassment. The man he had found so elegant and beautiful previously had just made a fool out of him by tricking into revealing that he wasn’t very good at speaking German yet. He had used quick and complicated words in a language Feli barely knew and made fun of him for not understanding. That was just...just cruel!

Roderich chuckled a bit at Feli’s reaction which caused him to add, “And it wasn’t funny, either!” 

Without lifting his eyes from the book he had since returned to after ordering, Roderich responded, “When you have lived for such a long time as have, you tend to find humor in the most unkind of settings.” Towards the end of his statement, his voice grew softer

Feliciano pulled a face, “Well I could have told you that. And by the way, where I come from, _latte_? Just means milk.” With that statement, Feli turned and left the table before walking downstairs and into the kitchen for Roderich’s cake and latte. 

While Feli waited for the food, he cleared away a few more tables downstairs, all while thinking about the last thing Roderich had said to him. Now that Feli thought about it, Roderich did look a little older than eighteen actually, probably only in his early twenties meaning that he had only found his soulmate in recent years. That made the Italian wonder what kind of person would fall in love with a kind of man like that, but then again, he was a very elegant and beautiful person and perhaps a dry sense of humor was rather endearing to some people. When it came to a man who looked like he did, maybe it was endearing in way to Feliciano, too. It made him want to know more about the man. How old was he actually? As old as Feliciano or nearly so? How did he feel about aging now? Was he afraid? Sad? Worried?

Or was he happy?

Suddenly starting to grow old after so long of living in the same, never changing or aging body had to be terrifying, but if you got to do it with someone you loved more than anything, maybe it would be worth it…

Feliciano shook his head almost as to dislodge the thought form his mind. He couldn’t afford to think about it like that. If he let himself think like that for too long, then he would start to crave it and let him mind think about finding his own soulmate and then...and then he would be with them and change his mind about want to grow old together and he would have to kill them. This only happened to him once before a long, long time ago. Feli came to realize that nothing hurt more than killing the one you had grown close to, especially when you have to see their face of betrayal and sadness and you had to feel the guilt gnawing away at you for the rest of your life…

Thankfully, he was pulled from his terrible thoughts by Hana placing the slice of cake and latte on the counter next to him. “Thank you,” he said, forcing a smile that looked real enough and nodding at her. He turned at walk up the stairs with the items in hand before she called back to him.

“Hey, Feli?”

He turned, “Yeah?”

There was a troubled look on her face, her eyebrows scrunched up a bit in what seemed to be worry. “Are you doing alright? You almost looked like you were in pain there for a second.”

He was careful about not letting his true emotions show on his face before he shook his head and smiled cheerfully at her. “Nope, I’m fine! I just remembered that I ran out of pasta sauce at my house so I’m going to have to make some more for dinner tonight.” It was a lie of course, but everyone knew that he was serious when it came to pasta so him making a pained face about being out of sauce wasn’t out of the usual. 

Hana nodded, smiling a bit. “I completely understand.” With that, she turned and went back into the kitchen as Feli mentally sighed with relief. 

Putting that out of his mind, he climbed the stairs and made his way over to Roderich who sat still reading his book in the corner. He didn’t really have much of a plan on what to do once he got over there, but Feliciano knew he still wanted to talk to him and have a conversation. It had been quite a while since he met and had an in depth conversation with someone who had found their soulmate, and even longer since he had found someone who had only recently found the person they were to spend the rest of their lives with. Feli tried to tell himself that he was simply curious and not at all wanting to know so he could look forward to it someday. 

When he arrived back at the table, Feli set the order down in front of Roderich, rather clumsily. He had never really been one for grace and knowing that he was going to try to engage in an real conversation without and plan and with such an elegant person, he was just a bit nervous.

Roderich didn’t seem to take much notice of how unceremoniously Feli had set his food down. Or maybe he did notice but his daily quota for mocking his servers was filled for today. Or he just wanted to wait to see if Feli could make even more a fool of himself so he could degrade him further. It was a delightful though, truly.

Instead, he simply placed his book on the table beside him and picked up the petit fork from the plate. Roderich began to lift the fork to him mouth for the first bite when he abruptly stopped and looked up. Somehow, he managed to stare both incredulously and bored at the same time at the seat across from him. In that seat, Feliciano had planted himself and was waiting patiently, yet expectantly. 

He sighed before putting the fork back onto the plate and placing his hands in his lap. He raised a thin eyebrow yet again and asked bluntly, “May I help you?”

Feliciano simply responded just as shortly, “What’s your name?” Of course he knew already, but it was the easiest conversation starter. He couldn’t just launch into, ‘So how did you and your soulmate meet?’

He started at Feli form across the table, surprised. Feliciano knew that he was not being very professional, just inviting himself to a customers table and then demanding their name, but he felt like he earned it as he had taken the insults from before. 

“Excuse me?” Roderich finally said. “You demand my name so suddenly when I don’t even know yours? I find that quite-”

Feliciano quickly cut him off, “I did tell you my name, but you decided to make fun of my accent instead of listening to what I actually said. You acted rude to me earlier, so now I think we’re even.” He punctuated that statement with a curt nod before leaning back into his chair a bit. Feli knew that he was just being petty, but maybe Roderich deserved it. No matter how beautiful a person is, it does not mean that they should be able to belittle others and then get away with it. 

Roderich just sighed. He seemed to do that quite a lot and once again Feli wondered what kind of person fell in love with him. “Don’t you have somewhere to be? Like _doing your job_?”

“Nope!” Feli answered, smiling brightly once again and replacing the cheeky look he had on his face briefly. “I usually the one cleaning the tables when both the girls are here.” He gestured behind him. “I don’t see any empty tables right now so no, I don’t have anywhere else to be.”

Roderich hummed in response and crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair. After a moment of scanning Feli up and down did he say his name, “Roderich Edelstein.”

He had already known his first name, but knowing his last name as well proved to just make him even more elegant. “Woah…,” Feli said quietly. “That’s a beautiful name.”

A pink tint was rising on Roderich’s cheeks so he coughed lightly, glancing to the side. “So,” he began, changing the subject. “What do you want? You never really said it and all you showed me is that you possess a rather sharp tongue.” That was something Feli had never been told before. 

Instead of responding right away, Feli sat for a moment, both thinking of something to say and in surprise that Roderich had agreed to speak with him (not that he was too happy about it though). His latte and cake sat on the table, most untouched, and he now appeared as if he had nowhere to be. Surely that was untrue, or maybe it was. He looked like both someone who had a very well paying job or someone who had never worked a day in his life. Maybe he was the sugar baby to his soulmate?

Of course, he did have somewhere to be after all then: with his soulmate. He hadn’t looked particularly upset when Feli first went up to him so it was unlikely that he had been trying to get away after a lovers quarrel. 

After another moment of contemplation, Feli finally said, “You’re not eighteen anymore.” 

Obviously this was not what Roderich was expecting Feli to say as he looked a bit taken aback, but then settled on nodding. “You’re right, I’m not. I haven’t been eighteen in over one hundred years.” 

It took a moment before Feliciano realized that he was just being a smartass again and was talking about actually being eighteen years old. “Ha, ha,” he responded, finding it a bit more annoying than funny. Roderich did have a reason to be like that way, though, so Feli couldn’t be too annoyed with him. He _had_ forced himself on Roderich in an attempt at conversation. “I know you know that’s not what I meant.” His annoyance quickly dissipated and gave way to eagerness. “So? What’s she like? How did you meet? How long have you known each other?” 

Roderich stared at him for a moment before saying, “Normally I would be more upset that you are prying into my personal life, but since you obviously haven't found your soulmate yet as…” he gestured vaguely to Feliciano. “I suppose I can answer a few of your questions.” He paused briefly before asking, “Er, how old are you exactly?”

Feliciano answered cheerily with a number that was close to five hundred. He watched as Roderich’s mouth moved to form a small ‘o’ shape as he stared at him. Roderich must have been putting it all together in his head: Feli would be turning five hundred in just a few years and in that time, he had not found his soulmate. He’s probably never even been in love. He’d been alone all this time so no wonder he was so desperate and eager to hear about someone else’s soulmate. 

Roderich seemed to visibly shake himself out of the shokk before saying, “Well, all of your questions have rather complicated answers, but I will try my best to answer. First off, _his_ name is Gilbert Beilschmidt.” He waited, seemingly tense for Feli’s reaction.

Now it was Feliciano’s turn for his mouth to form an ‘o.’ Only when he nodded and smiled to did Roderich continue. 

“Secondly,” Roderich began, seeming to look uncertain. It was strange to see such a poised and certain man unsure of himself. “We actually met in 1989. It was just after the fall of of the Berlin Wall.” 

Feli simply stared at him for a moment. He vividly remembered the day the Berlin Wall went down and seeing it on TV and in the newspapers for weeks after. The thing that was so confusing was that the day the wall fell was decades ago yet Roderich didn’t look a day over twenty-five. When he finally could speak words, he just barely managed to say, “But...you don’t look…?”

Roderich took a deep breath before responding. “No, no I don’t. For some reason, ever since we met, we’ve just been aging extremely slow. Decades have passed since we met and we’ve only aged a few years. Neither of us are sure why, but I guess it’s nice at times. We get to stay with each other a little while longer.” He closed his eyes, reminiscing, and a soft smile flitted across his face briefly. It was clear that he loved Gilbert very much, and, just for a fleeting moment, Feli wished that someone would love him like that, or that he had someone he could love in that way.

In all his years of life, Feli had never heard of anything like that happening. A couple meeting and the aging extremely slowly? It’s never happened before. Although he was still curious, he knew Roderich didn’t know the answer so Feli asked a new question. “How did the two of you meet, then? I mean like what happened before and what happened after.”

The soft smile remained on his face as Roderich’s eyes opened and he began to think. “Well,” he began, “I suppose you should know that I’m from Austria. I was only going to be in West Germany for a short period of time because I had a concert to perform at. I’m a well known pianist and violinist so I am often asked to accompany many concert bands around the world.” Feli looked on in awe, knowing that he was actually meeting someone semi-famous. It was clearly something Roderich prided himself in as he sat up a bit straighter as well. 

“Anyway, just a few days before, over a million people had attended a pro-democracy demonstration in the East and within the next few days, the East German government resigned. It was November 9th, close to midnight and we had finished the concert a few hours before. I had been out on a walk when I heard the commotion and people chanting ‘ _Tor auf_!’ Open the gate. I went to see what was going to and there was a massive crowd around the wall. It was then when people began to flood through the checkpoints, pushing both in and out and others took hammers and bats and began to try to tear down the wall.” He paused, licked his lips, and adjusted his posture, before continuing in his story. 

“It was a little while before I actually spotted Gilbert for the first time. I was watching as families and lovers reunited, it was an amazing and moving sight, but it was two brothers than stood out to me the most. On of them was tall, muscular and blond, the other a bit shorter and thinner with white hair in bland clothing. They hung onto each other as if their lives depended on it, crying, and just watching them in particular, it moved me almost to tears myself. That was when it really hit me that they hadn’t seen each other in nearly thirty years. 

“Suddenly, the one with white hair looked up at me and our eyes met. There was just something about the way he looked at me that made me unable to tear my eyes away from him. Then, he shifted in his brother’s embrace to yank me into the hug and then we were all just standing there, holding each other up and weeping. I didn’t even know them and there we were, embracing and crying like we’d known each other forever and hadn’t seen each other in just as long. I didn’t even realize how close I had been standing to them,” he couldn’t help but smile at the memory. 

“Once we all calmed down, I introduced myself and then they introduced themselves as Gilbert and Ludwig Beilschmidt. They invited me to Ludwig’s house to celebrate and I accepted. There we drank in celebration and they told me their story. They both lived in the East when Ludwig went overnight to look for a job in the West. That was the night the wall, only barbed wire at first, was put up and no one was able to cross. They were both trapped on opposite sides of the wall. They both still live here in Berlin and although I still travel for music and have my own home in Vienna, I stay here with them quite often.”

Feli took everything in, wiping his eyes from tears. “So was it just like you saw him and you both knew?” 

“Hm...I’m not quite sure if Gilbert had known that we would be soulmates when he first pulled me in or if I just wanted someone to share the joy with, but either way, I’m glad he did.”

Feli nodded, smiling. “That’s amazing. I remember when the wall went up and then came down. I wasn’t in Germany at the time, this is only my first time back to this part of the world in a very long time. Anyway, I-”

He was cut off mid sentence by Bella shouting for him from down the stairs, “Hey, Feli, could we get some more help down here?”

“Coming!” he called back, standing hastily. “See you around, Roderich! Have a great day!” With that, he turned and bounced down the stairs to help Bella and Lily with other customers. 

////

As Feliciano stepped out of the cafe, he pulled his coat a little tighter around himself. The day might have been nice, but the temperature had definitely dropped as the sun went down. He turned to lock the door behind him while the lights of the city twinkled and the moon shone from above. The stars were another thing he came to miss after living in Berlin for a while. 

It was just shy of seven thirty and he was locking up the cafe after a long day, ready to get home and eat dinner and then go to bed. He had to be up early the next morning to he wanted to get as much sleep as possible. Once the door was locked, the spun around and was about the hurry off through the still semi-crowded city streets when he bumped right into a warm and solid object.

Slightly dazed, he pulled back, blinking the surprise and vague alarm out of his eyes. “Oops, sorry!” he said in English, completely forgetting to speak German. He always forget to speak the right language when he was learning new ones and God knows how long it happened when the only language he could speak with any level on competency was Italian.

“No, it was my fault; are you alright?” a deep voice asked from above his head. It was a strange yet soothing combination of both rough and gentle. 

Feli looked up to see the person he ran into, craning his head back a little bit as he was a little on the shorter side. When he saw who he ran into, for a moment all he could do was stare, completely and utterly captivated. 

He found himself staring straight in the bluest eyes he had ever seen. If he hadn’t any common sense, he’d have thought he was falling straight through the sky. His golden hair was pushed and gelled neatly on top of his head, the street light just beyond above him making it seem like he was wearing a halo. His nose was straight and narrow, his jawline muscular and sharp. The moment Feliciano saw him, he felt like he forgot how to breath and was just stuck marvelling at how handsome and beautiful the man in front of him was.

After a moment, Feli realized he had been staring and forced himself out it of. To be fair though, the man in front of him had been staring, too. Finally, he smiled brightly and nodded, “Yes, I’m okay. Thank you!” He glanced downwards and caught sight to the watch that had slipped down his wrist and rested just above his hand. He jumped when he noticed the time. “Ah! If I don’t hurry, I’m going to miss my bus!” He then moved to the side passed the man in front of him and began to run in the direction of the bus station. Feli only half turned as he hurried along, raising a hand for one last wave. “Goodnight!” he called behind him. 

As Feliciano ran off, he failed to notice that the man he had run into was staring after him with a peculiar look on his face. “Goodnight,” he said quietly, mostly to himself as Feli had already turned the corner. He was out of an earshot, even if he had shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella van Dijk - Belgium  
> Abel van Dijk - Netherlands  
> Hana Novak - Czech Republic  
> Lily Zwingli - Liechtenstein  
> Vash Zwingli - Switzerland  
> Roderich Edelstien - Austria
> 
> chapter edited/rewritten: feb.19.2018


	5. Enamored By Love

Ludwig took his time walking home that night as he passed between the thinning crowds and under street lamps. He just couldn’t seem to stop thinking about the boy he had just run into outside the cafe. For reasons he was unable to explain, he just wanted to stare at him and it had been impossible to break his gaze away shining amber eyes. For once in his life, Ludwig was unable to think right and if the boy hadn’t broken him from his trance, he probably would have stayed there the whole night, completely stupefied. 

Just thinking about how easily he had become flustered over this boy he barely met had Ludwig’s cheeks burning. The warmth spread all the way to the tips of his ears when he thought about how much of a fool or a weirdo he had acted like, and in front of the prettiest boy, perhaps the prettiest person, he had ever met. All he had done was stare at him instead of saying something, his eyes staring into the others. He probably thought Ludwig was a creep now!

But...now that he thought back, the boy had been staring at him too, drawn in by the same thing that drew Ludwig to him. When he had broken whatever trance was between them, he seemed very upbeat and politely wished Ludwig a goodnight. If he _had_ found Ludwig creepy, surely he wouldn’t have so kind. But then again, he could have just been faking it in order to be nice and maybe not to upset Ludwig by rudely hurrying away. Well, it was impossible to tell and he doubted he would ever find out. The meeting was much too brief to speak for the small man’s personality and Berlin was a big city. He could be anywhere by now and they might never meet again. 

Instead of just thinking about what the meeting had been like and what the boy thought of him, Ludwig instead focused on him in general. He was shorter than Ludwig, the top of his head had barely reached Ludwig’s shoulders. His hair was bouncy and brown, almost auburn, soft and round cheeks and soft pink lips. It wasn’t any of that that really captured Ludwig’s attention though. It was his eyes.

He had the most mesmerizing eyes than were so easy to get lost in. They were large and childlike with long dark eyelashes. The look in his eyes were soft and they were the most beautiful shade of amber and gold, even having the smallest speaks of green in them. Not to mention the way they sparkled when the caught the light… Ludwig had never in his life been so easily captivated by another person. Sometimes when he would meet an attractive man or women, he would be drawn in but it had never been like this before. He didn’t even know he could feel like this. It was almost frightening to suddenly feel this way and how much power this person he didn’t even know had over him. 

A thought then suddenly struck Ludwig. If he had never felt this way before about another person and the way he was drawn in so easily… What if that meant that he had just met his soulmate? Once again his cheeks began to burn at the thought. Someone like that boy? Ludwig’s soulmate? Surely not! It wasn’t that he had low self esteem, but for someone so beautiful and handsome to be paired with Ludwig seemed like an impossibility. Surely the boy had to be paired with someone more suited for him that Ludwig. Thinking this made his heart ache for more reasons he couldn’t explain. 

Ludwig rounded a corner and saw his house in the distance, but his cheeks still felt like they were on fire. Maybe he could pass off the pink in his cheeks as being from the cold wind that had been blowing, but his brother, Gilbert, had always been strangely good at detecting lies and Ludwig had never been every good at telling them. He would take one look at him and then try to force the truth out of him. Not to mention that Gilbert also always seemed to know when someone had met their soulmate. He said it was something about a look in their eye or how they acted, but Ludwig had never really understood. He was nervous that Gilbert might see whatever that was in him and then Ludwig would have to come to terms that he let his soulmate get away. 

Once on the porch in front of the door, he paused and sighed. He rubbed his cheeks, half hoping that he could take the blush away. Maybe Gilbert wasn’t even in the living room and Ludwig had a clean getaway upstairs to his bedroom before he met his brother. Finally he blinked a few times as if it would erase whatever “look” he might find before opening the door and stepping in.

_Scheisse _! Ludwig though as he stepping into the house. Gilbert sat on the couch in the living room, reading a thick book. He seemed like he had already read every book than had been published around the world twice, he went through the so fast. He didn’t really act like the type to read so much, but it was his favorite thing to do aside from inconveniencing his younger brother it seemed.__

__Quickly, but not too much to be suspicious, Ludwig took of his coat, hanging it in the closet and taking off his shoes, ready to hurry up the stairs with them in hand. He nodded to his brother in greeting, “Hello, Gilbert.” He surprised himself with how steady his voice through all the nervousness. Mentally, he tried to remind himself that there was nothing to be nervous about. He had simply met (if you could call it that) and very pretty boy who was definitely _not_ his soulmate so there was nothing for Gilbert to notice. He might not have even noticed that Ludwig had gotten home seeing how engrossed he was in his book. _ _

__Just as the last thought crossed his mind, Gilbert greeted him with a quick “Hello, Luddy,” after barely glancing up over his book and quickly returning to it. That pet name used to annoy Ludwig the older he got, but he learned to ignore it as Gilbert was never going to change._ _

__It seemed that Gilbert didn’t have anything else to say so Ludwig began to walk up the stairs, letting out and internal sigh of relief. That was until Gilbert called him back._ _

__“Wait,” he said, snapping his book closed and causing Ludwig to freeze in his tracks, tense. He felt his older brother’s eyes boring into his back._ _

__Ludwig’s breath caught in his throat before turning around on the stairs and giving his best I-totally-don’t-have-anything-to-hide-so-I’m-not-nervous-in-the-slightest smile. “Yes, Gilbert?”  
Gilbert leaned forward over the arm of the couch, squinting at Ludwig before suddenly jumped up from his seat and gasping. He then tossed his book down on the couch, forgotten, before practically running to his younger brother and grasping his shoulders. It was all very comedic, but that was just the way he usually acted. _ _

__As he gripped Ludwig’s shoulders, he stared intently into Ludwig’s eyes for a moment while the taller of the too tried his best not to avert his eyes. “You met someone!” was the next thing out of Gilbert’s mouth before a smile was plastered on his face. He waited eagerly for Ludwig’s response._ _

__“What?” Ludwig scoffed, trying to make it seem as real as possible but that proved very difficult when he stuttered slightly and couldn’t keep eye contact. “No I didn’t!” He then tried to hold Gilbert’s gaze no matter how much he wanted to pull his eyes away. Looking to the left was a sign of lying and they both knew it._ _

__Gilbert then nodded so violently, Ludwig thought that his head might just pop off. “Yes you did!” he argued. “Your cheeks are all pink-!”_ _

__“It was the wind!” Ludwig protested._ _

__“-and your pupils are dilated. They have that _look_ to them!” he finished, the wide grin not only showing happiness for his brother meeting someone, but that he was proud for being able to figure it out so quickly. Gilbert took Ludwig by the hands and lead him to the couch before forcibly pushing him down to sit. He sat on his knees in front of his brother, just staring and grinning. It was really starting to freak Ludwig out. “So?” he inquired. “Tell me, what’s she like? Was she cute? Where’d you meet? Tell me everything!” _ _

__Ludwig barely managed to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. His brother was acting like a little school girl who who just found out that a boy asked to borrow her best friend’s pencil once. “It was nothing, Gilbert,” he said with a sigh, a blush rising up on his cheeks again. He turned his head to the side and closed his eyes before mumbling, “He’s probably not even my soulmate anyway.”_ _

__Even through his mumbling, Gilbert managed to hear him anyway. “Woah, _he_? I never thought you’d turn out to be gay! But I guess it runs in the family, ya know?” _ _

__Ludwig felt his cheeks burning even more now as he turned his head back to look at his brother. “I’m not gay!” he protested. At least he didn’t think he was. He’d seen many pretty girls in his life, even kissed a few, and imaged that he’d end up with a women. But then again, he never really felt much when kissing them and he never really felt much when he imagined ending up with a women. In fact, the thought kind of disappointed him… God was he really gay and had never realized it?_ _

__Gilbert hummed mockingly, smirking, “Uh-huh, whatever you say, Luddy. Now! Tell me everything about him! What did he look like? Where’d you meet him?”_ _

__Ludwig thought for a moment. He doubted that he would be able to put into words how the boy had made him feel or why he was so drawn in. He knew he could never just explain what he looked like to do him justice, but Ludwig tried his best. “He was...the most beautiful person I’d ever met. His eyes sparkling in the light of the streetlamp and his soft hair fell around his face perfectly. His voice was soft and kind. I wish I had asked for his name instead of staring like a _Dummkopf_. He said he was going to miss his bus if he stayed any longer then he ran off. We quite literally bumped into each other outside of Sweet Cup Amsterdam. I think he might have worked there and was closing up for the night.”_ _

__It then dawned on Ludwig that if the boy really was working at the cafe, he would get a chance to see him again. It was a relief to know that he hadn’t blown it by letting his soulmate get away without any clue as to where to find him._ _

__“Working at Sweet Cup, huh? Roderich loves that place. Maybe I could swing by sometime and look for your pretty boy,” Gilbert winked._ _

__Ludwig’s face flushed yet again. “No, there’s no need for that!” he protested. “If I want to see him again, I’d go there myself!” The last thing he needed was his brother poking his nose around in his business. Every time that happened, it didn’t go well and Ludwig didn’t want his soulmate to think he was some weirdo without ever really meeting him. (But didn’t he already?)_ _

__His brother let out a laugh the oozed sarcasm. “Oh yeah, I’m sure you would. You could see our old friends Vash and Abel again; I’m sure they’d both be delighted to see you!”_ _

__Upon hearing those names, Ludwig made a face. Abel he could deal with, but he didn’t really like Ludwig since he was related to Gilbert. His brother was known for causing trouble with the cafe owner which resulted in him getting banned on numerous occasions. Vash on the other hand always seemed angry and liked to yell at Ludwig the most which made him difficult to deal with. That perhaps might also be in part due to him being related to Gilbert who loved to annoy Vash as well._ _

__When Ludwig didn’t answer, Gilbert interjected, this time more sincere. “Offer still stands. I could go and see him for you.”_ _

__“I don’t need your help, “Ludwig sighed before standing up and walking up the stairs to his room. His mind flickered back to the smile on the boys face when he turned to with Ludwig goodnight. With that image in mind, he began to think maybe paying the cafe a visit wouldn’t be so bad, even if he had to deal with Vash and Abel._ _

__////_ _

__It had been a while since that night in early March when Ludwig came home from meeting the boy at the cafe. Now it was late April and as far as Gilbert could tell, Ludwig hadn’t made any sort of a move to see his soulmate again. It was beginning to annoy Gilbert for numerous reasons. For one, what was Ludwig even doing? Waiting for his soulmate to come to _him_? The boy could leave at anytime to go somewhere else or he could go back to home to wherever he was from. Ludwig had said that he seemed to have spoken English as a reflex meaning he wasn’t German himself. _ _

__Another reason Gilbert was annoyed was because of how his brother’s soulmate might be feeling. Did he even know that he had met his soulmate? Without a doubt, he had to have at least felt something when he met Ludwig! Was he looking on the windows of the cafe all day or watching as he walked home for Ludwig to show up again and sweep him off his feet? Was he worrying that his soulmate was never going to come around and that they would never see each other again. Ludwig was not only torturing the boy at the cafe, but himself, too. Gilbert knew that he wanted to go back, so what was he waiting for?_ _

__Finally, after these (almost) two months of watching and waiting, Gilbert decided to take matters into his own hands. He was going to swing by the cafe and meet this mysterious boy._ _

__////_ _

__It was miraculously good weather for early May. It wasn’t raining or slightly chilly as it usually was in Germany during the spring. The sun had been shining for the last few days, and the air was warm on Gilbert’s skin but not unbearably so. More people walked the streets today and the sidewalks were almost crowded as everyone was out enjoying the pleasant weather. Gilbert himself walked a little slower to appreciate the sun warming his skin. Though he was unable to recall a lot of his childhood, he remembered cold and overcast skies all the time. It was nice to finally live where he didn’t have to worry about the gloom of the weather and finding a warm place to sleep._ _

__It was a quick walk for Gilbert from his home to the cafe. As it was his husband’s favorite place, he knew all the shortcuts there. He also had grown to liked annoying those who worked there so that was another reason to know how to get there quick. Of course, this had gotten him banned on more than a few occasions, but thanks to Roderich’s powers of persuasion (and business he brought to the cafe), Gilbert’s bans were always lifted._ _

__Gilbert walked into the cafe, immediately greeted by the bell above the door jingling and the loud chatter that was always present in the cafe, especially during lunch time. As usual for a Friday at noon, every seat in the cafe was filled. Gilbert waited by the door for a minute, trying to see if the familiar faces of either of the waitresses would walk by before Abel caught him, assumed he was loitering, and kicked him out (not for the first time). That would probably result in his getting banned again and then Roderich would have to get him out of trouble again._ _

__No matter how many times Gilbert caused trouble here, Roderich always made sure to get him out of it for reasons he didn’t quite understand. He rarely ever visited the cafe for himself and he was pretty sure that Abel was tired of constantly having to kick him out all the time. Maybe it was the fact that Roderich just liked to go on the odd date there. There was a discount for soulmates who dined together which they both enjoyed and Roderich got a frequent customer discount on top of that._ _

__Finally, Gilbert caught sight of Bella as she hurried down the stairs and in to the kitchen to give orders to the chefs. It was only a moment before she was out again and before she could go rushing around again, Gilbert called out to her. “Oi, Bella!” She looked up, surprised to hear her name and her eyes met Gilbert’s as he stood next to the door. He inclined his head and lifted a hand for a slight wave, the familiar smirk on his face. “Got a moment?” he asked._ _

__She glanced around the cafe for a moment before taking a few steps over to the door until she was standing in front of him. Her cheeks were a bit pink, probably from running around all day in the cafe that seemed even warmer than the outside. Even though it was not spring and the weather was really starting to warm up, Abel always waited until last minute to turn on the air conditioning. Sweet Cup Amsterdam was on of the few buildings in Berlin that had heating and cooling year round but since Abel liked to “save” money he refused to turn either of them on until he was on the verge of losing business because of it._ _

__Bella popped out a hip and placing a hand on it. “Well, Gilbert, you got my attention. Now what do you want?” She gazed up at him in a way that was just daring him to push her a little to far. She was clearly tired and the cafe was busy and hot today. Gilbert decided to be kind and take mercy on her. He resolved not to annoy her too much, but just enough._ _

__His eyes swept over the cafe once before settling back on her. “Well, for starters, I’d like a table for eight and two of everything on the menu. Then, if you could, I’d like a cake the resembling something like a five tier wedding cake and-”_ _

__“Okay! That’s enough!” Bella sighed angrily. The two had barely exchanged a few sentences and she was already annoyed with him. “Now, are you going to tell me what you _really_ want? Or are you just going to stand around, keeping me from my job and pushing my buttons?” Her glare was something fierce enough to sublimate ice. For someone so small and round, she was quite good at intimidation._ _

__“Okay, okay,” he laughed, choosing not to acknowledge the fact that she was ready to commit his murder right here in front of everyone. His grin turned slightly wolvish and he held up hands up by his face in a clawed fashion. “I’m looking for your new, cute little foreign boy. I heard that he worked here and I want to see him for myself.”_ _

__Bella looked confused to a moment before realization showed on her face. “Oh! You mean Feli?” She smiled at the mention of him. She nodded, “Yeah, he’s from Italy! Did Roderich tell you about him? Feli seems to have taken a liking to him and I don’t think Roderich minds him that much either. I might even say that they’ve become friends.”_ _

__It was a surprise yet not at the same time that Roderich had already met this boy. Roderich did frequent the cafe and came by at least once a week while he was in Berlin so there wasn’t really a way that they could have missed each other. It was just kind of surprising that if they had become friends that Roderich hadn’t mentioned him at all._ _

__Actually, thinking back on it, Gilbert might have recalled him mentioning someone new who worked there at least once or twice, but it didn’t really cross his mind that this person, Feli, and Ludwig’s soulmate could be the same person. He said there was someone new working there, someone who wasn’t German, and was talkative and sort of loud but quite nice. The exact phrasing used was something like “annoying but tolerable,” but he had said it with a small smile on his face. Had everyone who had met Feli been infected by him?_ _

__“No, I didn’t hear about him from Roderich,” Gilbert said. “I heard about him from someone who could possibly be his soulmate.” He threw in an extra exaggerated wink and a grin._ _

__Bella squinted at him in confusion, trying to figure out who he meant before she jumped a bit, realizing. Her eyes were wide in surprise before she leaned forward, whispering hastily, “You mean Ludwig? No way!”_ _

__The grin fell off his face and Gilbert seemed to visibly deflate. “Aw, how did you guess that so quickly?”_ _

__She giggled, responding in her normal speaking voice, “Feli had been acting a bit suspicious these past few weeks so we were all wondering what was up. When I pestered him enough about it, he said he met someone who was tall with blond hair and blue eyes that made him feel nervous. I suggested that it must have been his soulmate, but he quickly shut me down when I mentioned it. It seemed to make him uncomfortable so I dropped the subject. Huh, he never really struck me as someone who would be into guys. He always acted like a ladies man.” She paused before adding, “Oh and I never thought about Ludwig being into guys, either!”_ _

__Gilbert chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, it took me by surprise, too! Anyway, can I see him? Did you say his name was Feli?”_ _

__“Yeah, of course,” Bella agreed. “Um...I think Roderich’s usual table in open upstairs if you want to go sit and wait. I’ll go find him and ask him to take your order.” She walked away and Gilbert took that as a cue to walk upstairs and sit down. He watched the street below him from the floor-to-ceiling window and wondered what Feli would be like. What exactly from be like, aside from how Roderich put it as “annoying yet tolerable” and Ludwig’s description on how he was beautiful and kind? Ludwig wasn’t too specific on how he looked either. His brother had never really expressed interest in either gender so Gilbert didn’t even know what kind of “type” he had._ _

__Maybe he would be something of a health and fitness freak like Ludwig, but then again, someone like that probably wouldn’t be working at Sweet Cup and his brother did describe him as “small.” The pastries were always so good, but packed with calories so it was rare than even Ludwig stopped by. Maybe Feli was kinda chubby, though and maybe Ludwig was into boys like that?_ _

__He was so lost in thought, Gilbert didn’t even notice someone was trying to get his attention. After a soft tap on his shoulder, he was startled and nearly jumped out of his seat. He looked up to see who had tapped him and was met with the sight of boy. He covered his mouth with the notepad he was holding and giggling softly. Gilbert couldn’t help but feel rather flustered. This boy was ridiculously cute and Gilbert only hoped that he hadn’t thought that he was an idiot._ _

__“Something on your mind?” the boy asked, a hint of humor still in his voice._ _

__“Er...yeah, but don’t worry about it,” Gilbert replied, smiling sheepishly._ _

__“Okay,” the boy nodded, lowing his notepad to reveal a cute smile. “Anyway, I’m your server, Feliciano. Do you have your order in mind yet?”_ _

__Gilbert’s mind suddenly drew a blank. _This_ was Feliciano? As in _Feli_? He was the boy Ludwig had met? Feliciano was nothing like he had imagined and he had imagined a lot! He seemed so cute and sweet and innocent and not at all like Ludwig anything he thought his brother might have been in to!_ _

__When he didn’t answer for a few seconds and just stared, Feliciano cleared his throat awkwardly, yet still smiling politely. “Um...excuse me? Do you know what you want to order yet? I can come back in a few minutes.”_ _

__Gilbert blinked in surprise. This kid was unbelievable! Even through Gilbert had been staring, Feliciano’s smile had not once dropped from his face. And this was supposed to be _Ludwig’s_ soulmate? Seriously?_ _

__He finally snapped himself out of it and smiled back, “Oh, yeah, sorry. I’ll take a slice of red velvet cake and black coffee.”_ _

__Feliciano nodded, “Of course! I’ll have it right out!” He turned and walked away and Gilbert watched him disappear down the stairs. Gilbert then shifted his gaze to his hands instead and became immediately lost in thought once more. Feliciano was such a pretty man with his auburn hair and sparkling amber eyes. Even his smile could practically put the sun to shame, that was for sure. He was just under average height and thin, quite a bit smaller than Ludwig. So his brother was into small pretty boys. Gilbert couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at that. It seemed so unlike Ludwig yet at the same time, after meeting Feliciano, it was clear he wa the only person for his brother._ _

__Gilbert glanced up when he heard the chair in front of him squeal on the floor as it was pulled out. His eyes lit up when he realized the person who sat down across from him was Roderich. “You’re unusually quiet and unobservant today. I mean more than you usually are at least. Is everything alright?” He fixed Gilbert with worried and intense expression and placed one of his hands over Gilbert’s own. The look on his face was one that always made him want to spill his entire life story. Roderich had just always had that effect on people; getting people to tell him exactly what he wanted with just one look. It was one of Gilbert’s favorite things about him._ _

__Gilbert looked up passed Roderich’s shoulder to see Feliciano delivering someone else’s food to them, smiling a chatting all the way. He pointed at him and looked back at Roderich. “You know that guy, right? Feliciano?”_ _

__Roderich turned to glance at him from over his shoulder for a moment before he turned back to Gilbert, a slight smile on his face. “Of course, how could I not?” he chuckled. “What about him?”_ _

__“Well, he’s…,” Gilbert paused, unsure on how to put in into words. “Well in March, Ludwig walked by here as it was closing and ran in Feliciano and they….well, they’re soulmates.”_ _

__It wasn’t often when things really surprised Roderich, but when they did he didn’t really show it outwardly. This time was different though as his lips parted slightly and he blinked quickly at Gilbert. He was probably thinking exactly what Gilbert had: first, Ludwig was gay? And second, Feliciano was the type of guy Ludwig was into? It had to have come more of a shock to Roderich as he had known Feli longer and knew more about him and his personality. When he found his voice again, he asked, “You’re joking, right?”_ _

__Gilbert shook his head. “Nope. When he came home the night they met, his cheeks were all pink and he had that look in his eye. He also described Feli like he saw the stars in his eyes. When I got here today and asked Bella, she said he had been acting differently since that night too and she said she had thought it was because he had met his soulmate.”_ _

__Roderich pursed his lips before opening his mouth to speak, but then Feliciano was back, placing Gilbert’s slice of cake and coffee on the table. “Here you are!” he chirped before straightening back up. Feli glanced over to Roderich and a grin lit up his face when he realized who it was. “Roderich!” He bent down and threw his arms around the other man’s shoulders who sighed and wrapped his arms around Feliciano as well after a moment. Roderich couldn’t help but smile a little bit at Feli’s enthusiasm; he was always so excited to see him even if he came in a few days in a row._ _

__When Feli pulled away from the hug, he positioned himself to walk away. “The usual, right?”_ _

__“Yes, but,” he interjected as Feliciano was about to walk away, “before you go, I’d like to introduce you to my husband, Gilbert.”_ _

__Feliciano looked between the two of them before smiling at Gilbert. “So you’re Roderich’s soulmate! He’d told me a lot about you!”_ _

__“Only good things I hope,” Gilbert nodded, returning Feli’s smile._ _

__“Of course,” Feli responded. “You sound so funny and nice and from the way he talks about you, he clearly loves to very much!” The two men at the table blushed at the while Feliciano giggled. Neither of them noticed the slightly pained face he had made just after. “Alright, well, I’ll be right back with your triple chocolate and Iced French Vanilla and then I’m on break so I can talk to you two!” After saying that, he walked away and down the stairs with a bounce in his step._ _

__Gilbert chuckled and returned his attention back to Roderich. “Rather...eccentric isn’t he?”_ _

__Roderich nodded, smiling softly. “Yes, he really is, but then again, he is Italian and they’re always quite expressive.” He paused before saying, “You knows, he’s quite enamored by lovers and soulmates as you could probably tell. I’m happy for him for finally finding his soulmate after so long even though they haven’t officially met.”_ _

__“After so long? What do you mean by that?” Gilbert asked, his eyebrows furrowed._ _

__“Well,” Roderich began, “Feli in nearly five hundred years old.”_ _

__Gilbert’s jaw dropped. “What? That’s crazy!” he cried._ _

__Roderich nodded solemnly. “It must’ve been hard for him, having no one to love for so long and probably losing many of his friends and family after they had found their soulmates,” he sighed. “Anyway, are you going to tell him about Ludwig?”_ _

__“Not yet, but soon.” He was about to elaborate, but Feliciano reappeared with Roderich’s cake and latte and took a seat at on the empty chair._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh it gives me life hearing two men call each other husband. i hope i can call a cute boy my husband someday 
> 
> chapter edited/rewritten: feb.22.2018


	6. Hide Away the Shame

It was a typical day; a nice late Tuesday afternoon in early May. The cafe wasn’t brimming with business as it usually was, but then again, Mondays and Tuesdays were always the slowest, especially as the afternoons wore on. Usually by six o’clock, the cafe was close to deserted. 

Feliciano was heading back to the kitchen, a new order in his hand when he heard the bell jingle above the door at the front of the cafe, drawing his attention. He glanced over to see a familiar face. His eyes swept over the cafe as if he was looking for something while he fidgeted almost nervously, twiddling his fingers in front of him. 

Upon registering who it was, Feli’s face lit up and he quickly diverted his path from the kitchen to the front door, forgetting all about the order he still had in his hand. “Kiku!” he cried in joy when he reached his friend. As soon as Kiku’s eyes fell upon Feliciano, he seemed to relax considerably. He let his lips melt into a smile which Feli returned, only with much more enthusiastic and less reservation. Instead of a tight hug and kiss on the cheek as Feli would do for anyone else, he kept in mind Kiku’s personal space and settled for grasping his hands in his own instead. “Ciao!” he chirped in greeting. “I’m so glad you’re here to visit me! How have you been?”

It was true: Kiku had come all the way from Japan to Germany to visit Feliciano and see the city. He had never been to Germany before and after being apart for so long, he had grown to miss the cheery Italian. When he called a week prior about coming to Berlin for a visit, Feli was beyond ecstatic, especially when Kiku said that it was partially due to wanting to see his old friend again. He had acted like it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t really elaborate on missing Feli, but Feliciano knew that deep down, he was as excited to see Feli again as Feli was to see him. Kiku was just much too soft spoken to admit it. 

Once Feliciano had dropped his hold on his hands, Kiku bowed politely before returning the greeting in his own native language. When he straightened up, he was still smiling, albeit very softly. When he smiled, it was hardly noticeable, but Feli was always able to tell what Kiku was thinking. They had been friends for quite some time after all. “I’m very glad to be here as well and to answer your question, I have been well; thank you for asking.” He paused shortly before continuing. “And how are you, Feliciano? Have you come to enjoy Germany as much as you hoped you would?” 

In response to Kiku’s question, Feli nodded vigorously, still smiling all the way. It was a wonder how his head stayed on or his cheeks didn’t cramp. “Oh Kiku, it’s wonderful here!” he gushed. “There’s just so much history in this city, it almost reminds me of Italy in some way. I’ve also made so many new friends here! Oh! There’s this one man that I’ve met, you need to meet him and I think you’ll like him. His name is Rod-”

He was stopped when Bella came up from behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and smiled at her. “Hello Bella,” he said. “Look, this is my friend, Kiku, the one I was telling you about from Japan! Remember when I told you he was the one who encouraged me to come here to Berlin? He’s going to be visiting for the week.” If there was one thing Feliciano was good at, it was talking a mile a minute. Whenever he was excited, it seemed like no one else could get a word in. 

Bella nodded and flashed a smile at Kiku in greeting, which he returned with a slight bow, before she turned back to Feliciano. “It’s great that he’s finally here, but conversations are going to have a wait a moment. It might be a Tuesday afternoon but this place is still kind of busy and you have a job to do.” Her last statement was said in a teasing manner, but she clearly seemed very serious. She nodded to the paper in Feli’s hand that he had completely forgotten that he was holding. His face suddenly dissolved into one of panic before Bella quickly reassured him. “Hey, it’s okay! You deliver that order while I seat your friend and then you two can talk when your shift is over.” 

“Oh, right!” he said in agreement before nodding. “I’m sorry I got distracted, I just haven’t seen Kiku in such a long time!” He turned to Kiku and added, “My shift is over in less than and hour and then after that, we can talk all about our lives these past few months.” With that, he was gone, hurrying into the kitchen without giving Kiku a chance to respond.

Kiku found a table towards the middle of the lower level room and took a seat to wait for Feliciano to finish his shift. Bella asked if he wanted to order anything, but he politely declined, saying he had already eaten.

As he sat at the table, he watched his friend hustle around the room and up the stairs, occasionally glancing at Kiku and throwing him a smile. Feli seemed to be collecting as many orders as possible before his shift was over, but maybe he just needed a distraction or else he would wander over to Kiku and try to talk with him. 

The moment Feliciano’s watched read six thirty, he was pulling off his apron from over his head and hanging it in the back room. In only a few seconds, he had hurried back to Kiku’s side and took a seat at the table across from him. For such a lazy and usually laid back person, Feli could really move when he wanted to. “Thanks for waiting for me, my shift is over now,” Feli said as soon as he had sat down. Kiku had only been waiting a little more than half an hour, but to Feliciano, that was forever in his mind. “So? What’s happened in Japan since I left?”

Kiku hummed in thought before shaking his head slightly, “Nothing really has happened with me. But what about you? I believe you were telling me about your life here in Berlin before we were interrupted.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember! My German had gotten a lot better and I’ve made a lot of new and excited friends! There’s Bella, of course, you just met her. She’s the only other wait staff who works here every single day. The other waitress is a high school girl named Lily who works here on weekends and sometimes after school. Neither her or her brother are eighteen yet, it’s kinda strange seeing people so young! Her brother though…” He pulled a face before continuing, “He’s kinda scary and mean.

“Bella’s brother, he owns the cafe, is pretty scary and mean, too. I try to avoid them both.” Feli laughed a little to hide the involuntary shiver that ran down his spine. He didn’t much like even thinking about the two of them, but when they were both in the same room as each other… Terrifying. 

Kiku nodded to show he understood as a chuckled slipped past his lips. “It seemed like you certainly have met some interesting people. Have you made any friends outside of the cafe?”

Feliciano thought for a moment before perking up upon remembering: Roderich and Gilbert! He didn’t really tend to think of them as apart of the cafe since they came here often to eat or just to chat with him. Technically speaking, they were friends he had made outside of the cafe. He had also been trying to tell Kiku about them before Bella told him to get back to work.

“Yes, I made two friends named Roderich and Gilbert! They’re soulmates and I did meet them in here, but they don’t work here. Even though they argue sometimes, you can tell that they’re so in love with each other.” 

Feli placed his chin on his hand and sighed dreamily, his eyes fluttering closed. “The way they met was so romantic. It was just after the Berlin Wall fell and Gilbert was being reunited with his brother when he saw Roderich who was a pianist who was visiting the West for a concert. He said that he saw Gilbert and his brother and although there were hundreds of families reuniting around him, he just felt something when he saw Gilbert and his brother that he couldn’t explain. Then Gilbert pulled him into the hug and the rest in history…” 

His eyes reopened and he looked over at Kiku, eyes slightly glazed over as he was clearly lost in his thoughts. Kiku once again found himself wondering about the man sitting in front of him with the dreamy look on his face. If Feli loved the idea of being in love so much, then why did he want to stay lonely so much? Kiku knew that Feli didn’t want to find his soulmate and just wanted to be alone, but then why did he torture himself like this? It was another thing that made Feli remain so mysterious and sometimes made Kiku feel like he didn’t really know anything about his friend. 

Clearing his throat, Kiku broke Feli from his trance-like state. “So they must look quite a bit older than the two of us,” he said trying to image Feli hanging out with a couple who looked thirty years older than himself. It wasn’t hard as no matter the age, Feli could make friends with just about anyone.

“Huh?” he began, still a bit misty eyed before he realized what Kiku had said. “Oh no, they only look like they’re in their early twenties.”

Kiku frowned at this. “But...they met so long ago. How could they appear to be so young?” 

Feli hummed and the shrugged before leaning forward in his seat. “See, that’s the thing. No one know why they look so young! They age, but it’s extremely slowly. I think they’re happy about that though because then they get to spend more time together.” He then laughed loudly, “But sometimes, Roderich looked like he just looks like they would hurry up and age faster already when Gilbert annoys him too much!” 

“They sound…,” Kiku paused, trying the think of the right work. “Interesting,” he finally settled on. “Perhaps I could meet them sometime.”

At hearing that he wanted to meet them, Feli grinned. “Yeah! Just come by the cafe on Thursday around three o'clock and I’ll see if they can come to meet you. Maybe they could take us sightseeing, too!” 

Kiku nodded and smiled softly, “That sounds nice, thank you.”

////

It was Thursday afternoon at about five til three thirty and Feliciano still stood fidgesting outside the cafe. Kiku was trying (and failing) to sooth his nerves. 

“Maybe they forgot? Or I gave them to wrong time? Or the wrong day? Or what if they were on their way here, but they both died in a freak accident?” Feli fretted, wringing his hands. Once again, he was assuming the worst as he often did in situations like this.

“Please try to relax, Feli,” Kiku tried. “I’m sure they’re just running a little late is all.” 

Feliciano gulped before dramatically pressing his hands onto the sides of his face. “But what if-?” He was cut off by an arm being slung over his shoulders, nearly knocking him off balance. 

“Hello, little Italy!” Gilbert said, grinning and using the nickname he had coined. Kiku blinked in surprise at the sudden entrance.

“Oh, Gil, I was so worried when you didn’t show up!” Feli cried. “I thought maybe I had told you the wrong day or something terrible had happened to the both of you!”

Gilbert laughed in a way that was almost obnoxious before shaking his head. “Nah, you can blame that on prissy boy back there.” He jerked his thumb back to where Roderich continued just taking his sweet time walking up the sidewalk. Gilbert took his arm from Feli’s shoulders and cupped his mouth with both hands. “Hey, Roderich, hurry the hell up! You’re making little Feliciano worry!” 

“No, I’m not worried anym-” Feli began with a laugh before Gilbert cut him off sharply.

“ _Shh_! He doesn’t need to know that!” he hissed. “Maybe it’ll get him to move his ass quicker if his thinks our precious little Feli is still about to have a panic attack.” 

Well, if definitely didn’t seem to get Roderich to walk any faster as it had intended. If anything, it seemed like it had the opposite effect and just made him walk slower to annoy them. When he finally reached them, he placed a hand on his hip and threw a pointed look at Gilbert. “Must you run and shout everywhere you go? Do you enjoy being all sweaty and making a horrible first impression with everyone you meet?”

“A horrible first impression? Oh, you mean like making us both thirty minutes late?” Gilbert retorted, raising his eyebrows.

Roderich scoffed and rolled his eyes. “It’s called being fashionably late, first of all. Anyway, I took so long because I wanted to look nice in order to make a good first impression.” If he had had longer hair, he probably would have dramatically flipped it over his shoulder. 

Gilbert opened his mouth to respond before Kiku interrupted. “ _Ano_...If you don’t mind, I would like to be seeing the city now.” He then quickly bowed. “I apologize if I seemed rude, it was not my intention to come off that way.” He returned to his original full height before introducing himself. “My name is Kiku Honda.”

It was quiet for a moment before Roderich responded to it, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kiku. I’m Roderich Edelstein.” He took a step closer and held his hand out to shake Kiku’s which he complied to before pulling is hand back.

After Roderich had shaken Kiku’s hand, Gilbert leapt forward before taking one of his hands in his own and shaking vigorously. “And I’m Gilbert Beilschmidt! Nice to meet ya!” 

When Feliciano saw the look on Kiku’s face, he quickly pulled Gilbert back. “Please be gentle! Kiku is delicate!” 

Kiku offered a grateful smile to Feli even though the look on his face clearly said, _I’m about the throw up_.

////

After the introductions were all in order, the group of four set out to see the city. Gilbert acted as the official tour guide, telling them to history of the places they visited and occasionally adding his own twists that usually didn’t make any sense. Every time he did this, Roderich would try to correct him and get him to “stop spouting nonsense,” and every time, Gilbert would shut him down. He would say something like “Who’s the real German here?” or “Austrian, no input!” Both of those clearly upset Roderich but he didn’t say anything over it, probably because he was still trying to make a good first impression for Kiku.

It was almost seven thirty as the sun dipped towards the horizon and when they took a break in the park as Roderich seemed to be running out a steam. Out of the four of them, he was clearly the most out of shape. When he caught his breath again, he bluntly stated, “I want to go home.”

“But we’re not even close to done!” Gilbert protested. “There’s still so much to see!”

Roderich sighed, “Well my feet hurt and your loud voice is beginning to give me a headache and surely our guests as well.” He wasn’t the only one whose feet were hurting, but he wasn’t having enough fun to want to keep going as the others had.

Gilbert was just about to respond when the four heard a voice calling his name in the distance. He turned around to see who it was while the other three peered around him. As the figure grew closer, Feli found himself recognizing who it was. He had been on his mind for the past few months after all. Oh no. Feliciano involuntarily took a step back and tried to make himself appear as small as he could to hide behind Gilbert and Kiku.

The man’s blond hair reflected and seemed to shine in the dying sunlight just as it had under the streetlamp that night in March. He reached the four and ran a hand over his head to make sure all the hair had stayed in place. He was so casually dressed in a semi-tight black t-shirt and dark jeans, yet Feli still felt himself get flustered over the sight of him. Oh no. 

“I got your text,” he began, speaking to Gilbert. Feliciano practically felt his deep voice in his own chest in the worst kind of way. “Ready to go?” 

Gilbert’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Text? I didn’t text you.”

The blond in front of him looked equally as confused, but before he could respond, Roderich beat him to it. He stepped forward and lifted up a phone. Gilbert’s phone to be exact. “I did,” he said nonchalantly. 

Gilbert sent him an incredulous look to which Roderich simply shrugged at.

“I was growing bored and tired and I just wanted to go home so I texted your brother to come pick us up.” He handed the phone back to Gilbert who snatched it and glared fiercely at his soulmate. This sparked a brand new argument between the two and the just began to bicker back and forth. The blond man, Gilbert’s brother, tried to stop their lovers quarrel with limited success.

It then his Feliciano hard and fast. The blond man was Gilbert’s-? _He_ was Ludwig? Oh no. This was very, very bad. No, actually, it wasn’t just bad. I was quite possibly the absolute worst thing. 

While he struggled to not let him emotions show on his face, Kiku leaned over to him and whispered in his ear. “Are...are they always like this?” 

He forced himself to control his breathing before he leaned back over and responded just as quietly, “They’ve been together for thirty or so years so I would say yes.” Usually, the two were the ideal couple being very much involved with each other, but after being together so long, it also meant that they knew how to piss each other off in all the right ways.

Kiku and Feli continued to watch awkwardly as the couple argued until Ludwig finally sighed and stepped away from them, clearly giving up at getting them to calm down. He moved over beside Feli and Kiku and turned his attention to them. Once again, Feliciano seemed to try to step and hide behind Kiku, out of Ludwig’s view. Even though the Japanese man was a few inches shorter than himself, Feli hoped that somehow he would still be obscured. 

“I’m sorry about them,” Ludwig sighed, shaking his head in disappointment. “Would you like me to walk the two of you home?”

“Oh, no thank-” Feli began while at the same time, Kiku said,

“Yes please. Thank you very much.”

Even though Kiku’s voice was softer than Feli’s Ludwig nodded and began leading the way back to Kiku’s hotel after he told him which one we was staying at. Feliciano froze in place for a moment, just watching them go before Kiky paused and turned back around. “Feli, are you coming?”

Feli jolted a bit and was pulled from his surprise before he jogged a few paces to catch up with the pair. Internally, he cursed Kiku for agreeing to let Ludwig walk him home. Feli easily could have showed Kiku the way back from the park! He put his hands in his jacket pockets and clenched them tightly, pressing his nails into his palms to distract himself and ignore Ludwig’s gaze on him. 

As they walked, Kiku leaned closer to Feli and lowered his voice as not to let their escort overhear. “You seem...distracted today. Is there something bothering you?”

He breathed in deeply through his nose before shaking his head. “No, it’s nothing,” he said, hoping that Kiku wouldn’t hear anything in his voice to give him away. “Don’t worry about it.” His eyes flickered up to glance at Ludwig before quickly looking back down at his feet when he caught Ludwig doing the same. 

Kiku dropped the subject when Feli dismissed him, but clearly remained worried. The worry showed on his face by the crease on his forehead and the slight downturn of his lips. Just saying “It was nothing, don’t worry about it” was so unlike the Italian, especially when something was so clearly bothering him. 

It wasn’t long before Ludwig tried to strike up a conversation with Kiku and the two were quickly chatting as if they had known each other for years. Feli tried to drown out the conversation by keeping his eyes on the pavement in front of his feet and by thinking about things he enjoyed like art and pasta and cats, but the gentle tone of Ludwig’s deep voice continued to infiltrate Feli’s mind. He couldn’t help but begin to think about how Ludwig’s voice was becoming a thing that he liked-

This time, Feliciano cursed himself in his head, trying to get himself to stop thinking like that. He wasn’t really one to swear, even in his head, but he had to make himself stop thinking like this, for the love of God! He grit his teeth and dug his nails harder into his palms, trying not to think about anything this time, trying to force himself to go on autopilot.

He knew that he wanted to think that way about Ludwig, but he just...he just couldn’t. He was just so scared. And angry. And sad. The tense feeling in his shoulders ceased as his let them drop and relax, but he kept his eyes downcast. Feli felt the familiar burning in his eyes and nose that meant that tears were coming. They were tears of frustration and anger and sadness, but he wasn’t sure if these feelings were directed towards himself or anyone else. 

In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to let Kiku and Ludwig continue on their way and for him to just take off running to his apartment and never look back or think of this again. He just wanted to go home. 

Just then, a petite and gentle hand was placed on Feliciano’s shoulder, causing him to jump. When he looked up to see who was touching him, he saw Kiku staring back at him with sad eyes. He noticed that they were already standing outside the hotel. How long had he been spacing out and wallowing in self pity?

“Goodnight, Feliciano. And please...call me if you need anything. I will be there as fast as I can.”

Feli nodded slowly, surprised. Rarely was Kiku so up front and kind. Not to say that he wasn’t kind, but for him to actually express just how much he cared was a lot for him. Feli obviously knew that Kiku cared for his friends, but it was just surprising when he showed it. Not to mention that he had used Feli’s full name.

“Right… Thank you, Kiku,” he responded, smiling weakly. Even though it was a weak smile, it was a real one. Kiku caught onto this and return it with his own small smile before turning and disappearing into the building. Feli let out a breath through a sigh before turning and heading back to his own apartment complex. That was when he noticed another presence next to him and he knew exactly who it was without even looking up.

“May I help you?” Feli asked without looking up and using his customer voice. No matter how much he wanted to try to scare Ludwig away, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was to nice and Ludwig just looked too much like...too much like… 

_Never mind_

“I said that I would walk you two home. ‘You two’ meaning both Kiku and you,” Ludwig replied. Hearing him say Kiku’s name was strange, but then again, Kiku must have given it to him while they had been walking. Did that mean that he had given him Feli’s name, too? He hoped not.

“Well,” he started, “that’s very nice of you, but Kiku didn’t know how to get back to his hotel from there. I know how to get back to my home from here, so I don’t need to be walked with.” He internally cringed at how cold he was coming off as, but it needed to be done. 

“I always go through with my word and I would still like to walk to home to make sure you’re safe. If that’s alright with you, that is,” he added quickly. Feli could practically hear the blush on Ludwig’s face in his words and it made him feel queasy. _No,_ he thought, _this isn’t right_.

He was about to tell him, not it wasn’t alright with him, but his mouth moved faster than his brain and he said, “Well, I guess it’s okay. Thank you.” _Why did I just do that_?

It was silent between the two of them aside from the usual noise of the city before Ludwig decided to try to make conversation. “So,” he started. “I heard that you’re Italian. I’ve never been there. What’s it like?”

Feli was taken aback by the question, but was quickly swept up in thinking of the place he was born. “It’s…,” he paused, trying to find the right words. When he decided no words could describe what it was like, he had to settle. “Beautiful. Italy had its own quality to everything. The sun on your skin, the smell of the wavers, the coolness of the Mediterranean Sea, and the feeling on your fingers of buildings that are thousands of years old…” 

His eyes closed in reminiscence of what it was like to be there before it was gone and he was back in Berlin again. His eyes fluttered back open and he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you more. I haven’t been there is so long,” he said with a light laugh. He risked a glance over at Ludwig, but when he did, his breath caught in his throat as their eyes met.

Ludwig has the most intense blue eyes that sparkled even though they were standing over the florescent lights of the the apartment building. There was something more in his gaze as he stared at Feliciano, something that he was unable to place. Feli felt his cheeks burn as he stared back at the tall man in front of him He was so distracted between thinking about Italy and staring at Ludwig, he had hardly even realized that they were already standing outside the door of Feli’s apartment. 

They stayed there for a moment, just staring into each others eyes before Ludwig’s suddenly flickered down and then back up again. He had briefly glanced at Feliciano’s lips. _Oh no_.

“Listen...Feliciano,” he fumbled slightly over the pronunciation of his name in a way that was almost so endearing. He took a step closer and against what he really wanted to do, Feli took a step back. His back was pressed against the door and his left hand slowly began to search for the knob. He had to find it quickly, but not in a way that might alert the beautiful man in front of him.

“I think…maybe…” Ludwig continued to trip over his words as he couldn’t stop himself from looking between Feli’s eyes and lips. Feli couldn’t help but do the same, no matter how hard he tried to resist. Ludwig was leaning forward and Feli forced himself to lean further into the door. 

Finally the knob was in Feli’s grasp and he twisted it open, literally falling inside, but somehow managing to stay on his feet. Ludwig took a step back in surprise, the spell between them suddenly broken. “Thank you for walking me home,” Feli stuttered briskly before practically slamming the door closed in Ludwig’s face.

“Feli, wait-!” Ludwig tried to say as the door shut on him. Inside, Feliciano leaned his weight against the door as if he were going to try to stop Ludwig from breaking it down. The German man just knocked and called out to Feli, asking him, borderline begging him, to open the door. 

“Go away, please!” Feli cried desperately in response. Even though he wanted nothing more than for Ludwig to go away, he couldn’t bring himself to be impolite or actually shout at him. The pounded on the door only carried on for a moment more before a sigh was heard on the other side and he could hear Ludwig walking away. Feli stayed where he was for almost a whole minute until he was sure than the man outside had left.

Slowly, Feli slid down the door until he was sitting down, he knees tightly pressed up into his chest as his hands pressed over his eyes. His whole body was trembling and the burn started in his eyes again, but this time he didn’t hold back. He kept his hands pressed over his face and sobbed out all his feelings, trying to stay as quiet as he could in case anyone passed the door outside. Even though he was trying to keep it down, the soft, heart wrenching sobs escapsed passed his lips as he sucked in each shuttering breath. 

It hurt, oh God, it hurt so bad. As he sat there weeping, all he could think of was Otto for the very first time in a such long time. There more he thought, the more tears slipped down his cheeks and it felt like the would never, ever stop. Why did Ludwig have to look so much like him with hair so blond it practically reflected light and eyes so blue it was like he was falling through the sky? Why did he have to move to Germany in the first place? Why? Why?

 _Why_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouch that ending huh? my heart broke just writing it tbh i almost hate writing feli so hurt and broken like i love him sm. anyway, i wrote this in two days and this is one of the longer chapters im p proud of myself. i hope this was as dramatic as i intended this to b! (btw the chapter title is from cant go on without u by kaleo (which came on during the playlist i was listening to when i was writing the end of the chapter))
> 
> BTW!! this is where things start picking up so b ready and im super excited for what is to come!!
> 
> chapter rewritten/edited: mar.02.2018


	7. Some Bodies May Be Temples

Feliciano couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed and go to work the next day. Or rather, he spent the next three days after the encounter with Ludwig cooped up inside his apartment, afraid to leave the house. One the second day, he did get up and get dressed, but at the last second before his hand touched the door handle, he panicked and decided to stay home. What would he do if he saw Gilbert? Did Ludwig tell him what happened? He desperately hoped not. Worse than seeing his brother was seeing the man himself. It was an irrational fear, he knew as he had only seen Ludwig twice, both outside the cafe, but the thought still haunted him. 

Every day, it just seemed more likely that he would run into Gilbert or Ludwig or Roderich and if he had to, he wasn’t really sure what he would do in that moment. Instead, he put off having to go out and called in to the cafe sick, claiming he had caught a random cold, even going as far as to fake sneeze and cough over the phone. He called Kiku to give him the same lame excuse, telling him that he was sorry that they couldn’t spend time together even though Kiku had come all this way. When Kiku offered to come over and care for him, Feli immediately declined and explained that he didn’t want to give the cold to Kiku.

He knew that Kiku knew that Feli wasn’t really sick and it was something more than a cold, but thankfully he didn’t press the matter. He simply asked if he was really alright and when Feli confirmed that he was okay, Kiku dropped it and wished him well. Though Feli had learned to be a very convincing liar over the centuries, he could never hide anything from Kiku. After the call, Feliciano never felt more selfish than he did in that moment. 

The days he spent alone in him apartment, he spent drifting in and out of dreamless sleep due to taking probably more sleeping pills than he should have. His logic was that if he was asleep, then he wouldn’t have to think about what happened or worry about what will happen. The times where he wasn’t sleeping, he was painting. Ever since he could remember, being able to create art had always relaxed him a great deal and it was easy to distract himself by getting immersed in his own creation. 

On Monday afternoon, four days after he had shut the door in Ludwig’s face and had not opened it since, Feliciano pulled himself up from his bed and sat on the edge. He glanced at the half empty bottle of sleeping pills by his bedside table before shaking his head and standing up. It had been three days alone in his apartment and at this point, he was being ridiculous and he knew it well. He also knew that if he was going to find a way to...get rid of Ludwig, that he had to be conscious and undistracted to do it. 

At the thought of going something to the blond German man made Feli inwardly flinch before he scolded himself. He should not flinch at that or feel anything. He had done this many, many times before after all, and Ludwig should be no different. 

After an almost too long shower where he spent the majority of it just standing under the warm water with his eyes closed, he pulled on his work uniform and find left the apartment. The bus ride to the cafe felt like an eternity and no time at the same time as he couldn’t help but fret about seeing the people he didn’t really want to see again. Instead, he tried to distract his busy mine by thinking about the painting he had been working on. 

A new museum had just opened up on the other side of the city and he had been wanting to see it for a few months, but could never find the time. Maybe after work he could go see it and possibly bring Kiku along. One of the few similarities between the two of them was their love for the arts. 

When Feliciano stepped off the bus, he took his turning the corner to the cafe and walking there. When he realized that he was just been ridiculous again and stalling for far too long, he picked up the pace to a normal walk and strolled into the cafe, the bell above his head ringing to announce his presence. The first thing he did was head to the kitchen to inform Hana that he had arrived and to grab his own apron. 

Inside the kitchen, Bella already stood, handing over a new order to Hana before she turned about to leave the kitchen again. Upon seeing Feli standing in the door, she jumped in surprise before a smile broke across her face. “Feli!” she chirped in greeting, hugging him briefly and allowing him to kiss her once on both cheeks.

Feli felt his own smile spread across his face as he nodded back to her, “Ciao, Bella!” The two of them laughed lightly at the now overused joke between them. 

“I’m so glad you're feeling better!” she said. “You look remarkably well for someone who just got over a major cold,” she commented before punching his shoulder lightly.

“Yeah, I get over sickness pretty fast after being around for so long,” he replied, smiling sheepishly and trying to keep the guilt out of his voice. 

Hana wiped her hands on a rag and walked over, placing a hand on her hip. “It’s great that you’re doing better, Feliciano. Now maybe you can give out poor little waitress,” she rested her free arm over Bella’s shoulder, “a break and get out there and take some orders. You know, like your job?” she joked, trying to suppress a smile.

“Oops,” he replied, a pink tinting his cheeks, once again feeling the guilt creep up on his. He did feel kind of selfish for suddenly abandoning them (not to mention on a busy weekend!) over something the now seemed to small, but it wasn’t like he could just tell them why. After he, did lie to them. 

Bella rolled her eyes and snorted playfully, “Yeah, it’s like you could totally help being sick, right.” Feli visibly winced, but thankfully it went unnoticed by either woman. “Anyway, though, Hana is right. It’s pretty busy for a Monday afternoon out there and we could really use your help.”

Feli nodded, grabbing his apron and quickly putting it on and tying the tie in the back. He then pulled the pen and notepad out of the pockets and smiled at them. “Well, that’s what I’m here for isn’t it?” He then turned and walked out of the kitchen with Bella following at his heels.

////

He had just been hurrying around as usual, taking orders and delivering them when he heard the bell chime above the door from the other side of the cafe. He glanced up and saw Gilbert standing in the doorway, looking around like he was trying to find someone. Feli realized he was probably looking for him and was about to glance away to avoid having to talk with him, but Gilbert’s eyes met his own. When their eyes locked, Gilbert broke into a grin and beckoned him over.

Feli returned the smile with a slight sigh of relief. If Ludwig had told him what had happened, surely Gilbert wouldn’t have been so enthusiastic and eager to see him. He made his way to the door to see what he had come in for.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Italy doing better and back on his feet already!” Gilbert remarked as soon and Feliciano reached him.

Feli let out a slight laugh and nodded, “Yeah, I’m actually feeling a lot better, so I thought I might as well come in to work. So did you just come in to talk to me or are you going to sit down and order something?” he teased.

“Nah, I didn’t come here for either of those things. I actually came in to harass Bella,” he replied with a nonchalant shrug.

Upon hearing this, Feliciano tried his best to pull a stern face, but failed. “Gilbert, you know that that’ll just get you kicked out again and then Roderich will have to come convince Abel to let you back in again.” 

“Duh, that’s the fun part!” Gilbert replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. When he saw the look on Feliciano’s face, he broke out laughed, causing a few customers at near by tables to glance over. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” he said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye.

“Gilbert! That’s not funny!” Feli replied, pouting. “Now why are you really here?”

“Well, I had an amazing idea, but you getting better just makes it even more perfect!” He paused for dramatic effect before continuing. “I was planning on throwing a party at my place and now it can double for celebrating you getting better so fast. Then, you can hang out with everyone you missed these passed few day. Does eight o’clock on Saturday sound good to you?”

Feliciano smiled and was just about to agree before he suddenly remembered something: Ludwig would be there. The whole reason he had feigned being sick was to avoid him and now he was practically being led to the lions den. “ _Allora_... I don’t really think-”

He didn’t even get to finish his sentence before he was interrupted. “Great! I’ll get your number from Roderich to text you the-!”

“Gilbert!” Feli cried to get him to stop talking. Gilbert stopped in his tracks and looked at Feli as he nervously avoided meeting Gilbert’s eyes and shuffled his feet. “You see...I don’t really think I can make it…,” he said, trailing off awkwardly.

“Huh? What’s wrong? You already got plans for Saturday night?” Gilbert asked, slightly cocking his head.

Feliciano tugged at his bottom lip before letting go and glancing back up at the man in front of him. “No, it’s not really that I have plans…”

“Then what his it?” Gilbert pressed when Feliciano didn’t respond after a moment. 

“It’s just...eh...I don’t really like parties that much,” he lied, laughing nervously and avoid Gilbert’s eyes again. Feliciano actually loved parties and meeting new people, but he just couldn’t come to this one. Or any party Gilbert hosted ever due to, currently, Ludwig living there, and after, the knowledge that he had murdered Gilbert’s only brother. In fact, after when it was all said and done, Feli had to leave Germany as fast as he could without raising any suspicion. 

He was thrown from his dark thoughts when Gilbert persisted, “What? No, come on, it’ll be fun! I promise!” 

Feli shook his head, “I’m sorry, Gilbert, I just can’t come.” He then turned as fast as he could and briskly walked away before Gilbert could say anything else to try to convince him to go. He felt the guilt of lying and disappointing Gilbert and being rude and walking away mid conversation trailing behind him with every step. Feli went back to taking orders and when he glanced up at the door, Gilbert was gone. 

////

When Saturday night rolled around, Feliciano was still alone in his apartment and sitting on his couch, flipping through TV channels with a large plate of pasta on the table in front of him. The party was still going on, it would have officially started about twenty-five minutes ago, but Feliciano would not be attending. Gilbert had texted him the details with the address (he had gotten his number from Roderich), but Feli just disregarded it. He did his best not to think about the party at all now matter how much he really did want to go. 

Feli was just about to dig into his pasta when he heard loud, rapid knocks on his apartment door, causing him to jump. He paused for a few moments and glanced over at the door as the knocks ended as quickly as they had begun. The room has gone silent again, save for the television playing some sort of movie. Maybe it was just someone who had gotten the apartment number wrong and they were looking for someone else instead. Shrugging, Feli turned back to his pasta and lifted the fork up to his mouth before the rapid knocking returned, this time more intense and on going. Who would be that persistent at this time of night? 

He glanced between the door, the fork in his hand, and the TV before finally getting up to see who was at the door. He decided he might as well answer it before he get noise complaints form his neighbors or before whoever was knocking just broke the door down. Whichever came first. He placed the fork back onto the plate on the table and moved in front of the door.

Bracing himself for whoever might be on the other side, Feliciano unhooked the latch and pulled the door open and was met with a fist just a few centimeters from his face. He jumped back in surprise at the person lowered the hand allowing Feli to see the grin on the all-too-familiar face. 

Gilbert stood in the doorway, simply grinning at Feliciano. A plethora of questions went through Feliciano’s head in that moment. How had Gilbert gotten this address? What was he even doing here? Shouldn’t the host be at his own party? After all, it would have started close to half an hour ago and should be in full swing by now.

“And here he is, the little Italian!” Gilbert greeting loudly as if he hadn’t been expecting Feliciano in his own home. 

“Gilbert?” Feliciano began, the confusion evident in his voice. “What are you doing here? How did you get my address? Shouldn’t you be at your own party?” 

Gilbert nodded, still grinning. “Exactly! We _should_ be at the party! Come on, let’s go!” He reached out and grasped Feli’s hand and was about to take off before Feli tugged his hand out of his grip. 

Feliciano gave him an incredulous look and shook his head. “ _We_? Oh no, maybe you didn’t understand, but I really can’t go to your party. I’m sorry, but I’m just…,” he fished for an excuse. He knew Gilbert wouldn’t take him not liking parties as an answer. “Busy, “ he finished.

Gilbert raised and eyebrow, “Busy?” The disbelief was clear in his body language and tone.

Now that Gilbert had repeated his lame excuse, Feli immediately realized how stupid it sounded, but he couldn’t backtrack now. He had to just go with it and try to convince Gilbert how terribly busy he really was. Feli was suddenly very aware of the TV playing and the plate of pasta that sat on the table. 

“Eh… yes. I’m very, very busy right now. Thanks for stopping by, but I think you should just go.” He moved to shut the door, but Gilbert stuck his foot inside and forced the door back open, nearly causing Feliciano to stumble backward.

“Really? What are you busy with?” Gilbert inquired.

Feli was taken aback by the question and he knew that Gilbert could tell. “What, what am I busy with…?” He stuttered, trying the think quick enough to make it convincing. “I’m busy...with...a painting!” he exclaimed, finding the perfect lie. If Gilbert didn’t believe him he could just open the door a little further and show him the easel and canvas in the corner of the room. 

“Yes, a painting. I’ve been commissioned for it, I’m an artist if you didn’t know. I need to finish it soon because the deadline is midnight,” he laughed semi nervously, but hoping that it was natural enough. “The guy who commissioned me is like...really important so he’ll be really mad if I don’t it done in time! Thanks for inviting me, I would go, but I’m just too busy! Sorry!” Feli moved to shut the door again, smiling at his own quick thinking. He really was an artist, but even if he wasn’t, it wasn’t like Gilbert would ever know.

Once again, Gilbert stopped the door with his foot and forced it back open. “So, who’s this important guy who commissioned you?”

Feli wished Gilbert would just stop asking questions so he could stop lying so obviously. “Well...you wouldn’t know him. He’s...ah...he works for a big company in America and has a lot of money…” He was about to say more, but Gilbert cut him off by laughing.

“Oh my God,” he laughed, “Feli, that’s rich! Anyway, come on, let’s go!” He grabbed Feliciano’s hand and started pulling him along, barely giving him any time to grab the keys from the key hook and shut the door behind him.

“Wait, Gilbert! I really don’t think this is a good idea! I’m sure you’d all have lots of fun without me!” Feli complained as he was dragged down the hall and into the elevator. 

“Lighten up, little Italy! You’ve already been sick and cut off from everyone so why not just go out this one night? You know, Kiku and Ludwig will be there!” At the mention of the younger German, Gilbert tossed his head back to look at Feliciano and winked. “He’s the one that gave me your address, by the way!”

That was when Feliciano jammed his mouth shut and just let Gilbert tug him along without protest, no matter how much he wanted to. He had forgotten: Ludwig had walked him home that night and knew just where he lived. He suddenly felt sick upon remembering and the wink that had accompanied what Gilbert has said. Had Ludwig told him that they were…?! Feli couldn’t even bring himself to apply that word to Ludwig.

Just then, Feli realized that he had been even more naïve than he had previously thought of himself. Of course Ludwig would have felt the same attraction and pull as Feli felt to him! Just because Feliciano wouldn’t dare tell people who Ludwig was him didn’t mean that Ludwig wouldn’t tell either. The least he could do at this point was just hope that no one except Gilbert knew and that he would be able to avoid the both of them later on at the party.

When they finally arrived at Gilbert’s home after taking a taxi and walking a block, Feli was able to guess that it wouldn’t exactly be hard to avoid Ludwig if he just laid low. They could hear the party half way down the street and when they finally reached the actual party, the house was rather large and overflowing with people. Just how many friends did Gilbert have?

Inside, Feliciano was almost immediately abandoned by Gilbert who went to hang out with Roderich and other people Feli didn’t know. With Gilbert leaving him alone, there was nothing stopping Feli from walking out the door and going home, but he had already come all this way. He might as well psych himself up and try to stay for a while. It wouldn’t be so bad would it? When a house packed with people speaking a language he wasn’t completely fluent it and the threat of spiking drinks and running into Ludwig Beilschmidt hung over his head? 

Yeah, it couldn’t be _that_ bad.

////

It was halfway through that night at about ten o’clock and Feliciano had to admit that he was having a great time. He met a lot of new people he could practice his German on and had found Kiku just a few minutes after entering the house. The music was fun and upbeat, mostly in German with a few other English hits here and there. The longer he stayed at the party, the more he forgot about the possibility or running into Ludwig somewhere, but that also might have had something to do with the few beers he had drank. 

Finally, he just had to break away from the party to get a few minutes of fresh air. He slid open the door in the kitchen that lead to the back patio and took a step out. It was surprising that no one was hanging out out here. The cool night air felt so refreshing on Feli’s skin, causing him to sigh in contentment. It felt so nice after being stuck in a house full of sweaty, drunk people. Suddenly, a humming to his right causing his to jump at take a step back. When he saw what it was, he took another involuntary step back. 

Lying on the ground in the grass just off the patio next to the door was none other that Ludwig Beilschmidt. For the first time since he arrived, Feliciano thought about running away and leaving the party far behind. He would go anywhere as long as it wasn’t here. But then, he noticed the empty beer cans and punch cups scattered around. Ludwig was just laying there, humming quietly along to the music inside, smashed out of his mind. 

Instead of feeling like running away, Feli just felt pity now. He couldn’t just...leave him there on the ground like that, right? Surely Gilbert would be too drunk or tired by the end of the night to think about his brother and Ludwig would end up getting locked out. Not to mention that waking up outside in the morning with a killer handover would be awful. He could also freeze out here in the night, and even though he couldn’t admit it to himself, Feli didn’t want that. 

_I can’t believe I’m actually doing this,_ Feliciano thought as he kneeled next to Ludwig on the ground. The smell of beer was all around him as well as a hint of...was that vodka? He wondered briefly where Ludwig would have gotten them from before he remembered the cups that had been around the punch bowl. A few littered the grass which proved Feli right and the drink was spiked.

Sighing, Feli placed a hand on Ludwig’s shoulder and shook his a bit to get his attention. “Eh...Ludwig? Are you alright?”

Ludwig’s head slowly lifted from the grass and he seemed to struggle to get his eyes to focus on Feliciano. Upon realizing who it was, a smile spread across his face, rather out of character for the stern man. “Feliciano,” he slurred, smiling dumbly. “You finally made it.” Yep. Ludwig was too face gone at this point, but at least he wouldn’t be able to remember this encounter in the morning. That made Feli feel so much better about helping him out. 

“Yeah, I made it,” Feli replied. “Look, Ludwig, we should probably get you inside and to bed. If I help you up, can you show me to your room?” The thought of being in Ludwig’s room made Feli feel rather queasy (for more reasons than one), but he tried his best to ignore it. He just had to help him to his room and then leave and go home. Then, he could just pretend like this never happened. 

Ludwig closed his eyes and hummed in thought for a moment. After the pause he opened his eyes and agreed with a smile, “Alright.” Feli huffed and braced himself before placing one of Ludwig’s much larger arms over his shoulders. The scent of Ludwig and alcohol entered his nose, almost crippling him, but he willed himself to focus. With slight difficulty, the pair stood and Feli helped Ludwig hobble inside. He did his best to ignore the stares from people as they watched the pair. 

Ludwig commanded Feliciano upstairs which they climbed with even more difficulty. It would have been nice if Ludwig could have supported even just a little bit more of his own weight, but he continued to leave heavily against Feli’s side. Good Lord, how much did this man weigh?

After what felt like forever, the pair finally stumbled into what Ludwig had said was his room. Feli took note of how modestly decorated and organized everything was, just like Ludwig himself. He tried not to think about that and instead maneuvered Ludwig over to the bed before letting him plop himself down. As he just sat on one side of the bed, swaying and humming, Feli took a step back and let himself wonder how Ludwig had even gotten himself into this situation. He didn’t seem like the type to drink himself into a stupor every time he went near alcohol so why did he do it tonight? The amount of empty cans and cups that had been around him suggested that he did it on purpose. 

Feli simply watched Ludwig for a moment to make sure that he wouldn’t slip off the bed onto the floor. While staring at him, he couldn’t help but notice how his flushed cheeks and gentle smile made him look nearly irresistible. Not to mention that adorable swaying and humming to the distant song playing downstairs. When he caught himself thinking like that, Feli forced himself to stop. Clearing his throat, he averted his eyes from the man on the bed. 

“Well, you should try to get some sleep now. I’m going home. Goodnight, Ludwig.” With that, he turned to go and as his hand brushed the door knob, someone was behind him, grasping his free hand tightly, yet gently at the same time. 

Feliciano jumped in surprise as he had not been expecting it the touch. He turned to see Ludwig standing there, swaying on his feet in his drunken state. When Feli locked eye with him, his grip tightened almost too much. He was obviously unable to completely gauge his action through the amount of alcohol he had consumed. If he had been sober, Feli was sure that his grip would be much lighter, but then again, if he had been sober, Feli wouldn’t be in his room and Ludwig wouldn’t be grasping his hand in the first place. As he watched Feli, his eyes were sad and something just short of begging, but they still held the same intensity that they always did.

“Please...stay? Just for a little while.” His voice was quiet and sincere, the words still slightly slurred. Feli found himself struggling in his mind against what he so desperately wanted and what he knew he should do. It also didn’t help that the man across from him was standing so close and Feli’s head was swimming with the scent of Ludwig mixed with alcohol.

“I… I…,” Feliciano stuttered, trying to summon the will to refuse the request. He glanced away for a moment before looking back at Ludwig and for what seemed like the thousandth time, his eyes were captured. He let out a quiet sigh and nodded, suddenly interested with the wooden flooring under his feet which he absentmindedly shuffled. He let the hand on the door knob drop and finally said, “Okay.” It was practically a whisper but Ludwig had still heard it. 

“Thank you,” he responded, just as quiet. The pair didn’t move or speak for a moment as Feli tried to keep all thoughts out of his head and just watch his feet. He couldn’t afford to think in that moment or else his mind would come back to the man in front of him and he would do something that he knew he would regret. He didn’t want to think about his fae or clothes or his smell or that fact that they were standing in Ludwig’s room and he was holding his hand and just the smell of his was everywhere-

“Why do you hate me?” It was a sudden question that yanked Feli from his thoughts causing his head to jerk up and stare at Ludwig. Did he really say that out loud or did Feliciano just imagine that? He immediately decided that it was reality when he saw the look on Ludwig’s face. It was troubled with a slight downturn on the lips and a crease in his brow. His eyes were even sadder than the last time Feli at looked at his and it broke Feli’s heart.

“I...What?” Feliciano said dumbly, unable to process the question. How could Ludwig think that? Feliciano didn’t hate him! Quite the opposite in fact! But...he wanted to hate him, though. Had Ludwig seen just how badly Feli was trying to hate him? Did he really think that that was how he truly felt? 

Now that Feli was thinking about it, Ludwig had been nothing but kind and caring since they met and yet Feli had been showing his the opposite. He was trying so hard to push his away and brush him off, doing anything to get away from him. He had never said that he had hated Ludwig, but he had shown it with his actions. In that moment, Feli felt absolutely horrible, even worse than he had when the night began. 

Ludwig repeated his question in nearly a whisper, “Why do you hate me?”

All Feliciano could do for a moment was shake his head before responding. “No… No, I don’t hate you, of course I don’t. I just… I can’t… I’m…” He could feel his eyes start to burn and his bottom lips begin to quiver. Ludwig’s eyes widened slightly at the sight. Quickly, Feli lowered his head as the first tear slipped down his cheek so Ludwig didn’t see. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, not trusting himself to speak louder for fear of his voice cracking. As the tears continued to fall, he couldn’t stop his shoulders from shaking and he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood in order to stop any sound from escaping his mouth.

Suddenly, Feli was pulled into an embrace and held tightly by a warm body. Ludwig held him tightly to his chest in an attempt to comfort him. Feli’s breath caught in his throat and his mind went blank. He was unable to think for a few seconds, but when he finally could again, he just took in the feeling of Ludwig’s body pressed against his own. His chin was resting on the top of Feli’s head and his muscular arms held him tightly around the waist. 

Feli involunarity shivered when he realized that Ludwig might actually be able to break him if he really wanted, but instead, he held him close and just tight enough to be comforting and so he couldn’t slip away, but not enough to harm him. This was the safest Feliciano had felt in hundreds of years. Ludwigs scent was amplified with Feli’s nose pressed into his firm, yet soft chest.

He remained in Ludwig’s hold for a moment just standing ridgid before he finally let himself relax into the embrace. His tears slowed to a halt and his arms reached up to wrap around Ludwig;s neck. Without thinking, he pushed his face deeper into Ludwig’s shirt and inhaled his scent. He shivered again, but this time in a good way. 

When Feli breathed out a sigh through his nose and was completely relaxed, Ludwig pulled back slightly and lifted a hand to cup the shorter man’s cheek, wiping away whatever was left of the tears. Their eyes met and Ludwig smiled softly, albeit slightly nervously. Then, his eyes flickered down to look at Feliciano’s lips, lingering there longer than the had that last time outside Feli’s apartment over a week ago. Feli couldn’t help but repeat the action, finding himself staring longer than he should have before returning his eyes up to Ludwig’s own. Without breaking eye constant, Ludwig leaned in slowly, his lips parting slightly until Feli could feel his breath ghosting across his own lips.

Feli let his eyes slowly close to cherish the moment, his own lips parting so that their breaths were mingling. Gingerly, Ludwig pressed his lips to Feliciano’s and Feli returned the action. Suddenly he felt a dizzying feeling wash over him as his let Ludwig kiss him. Ludwig’s lips were rough and yet so soft at the same time as well as much warmer than Feliciano could have imaged. 

Ludwig reached his other hand up to cradle Feli’s face in both of his hands, his thumbs stroking the tender flesh of his face and in doing so, tilting his head in order to get a better angle. In return, Feli’s hands found the sides of Ludwig’s neck, feeling the slight stubble along his jawline. When Ludwig parted his lips and gently traced Feliciano’s lower lip with his tongue, Feli felt his knees go weak. He pressed himself harder into the taller man in front of him, parting his own lips to allow Ludwig to slip his tongue inside. Of course there was alcohol on his breath, but a faint mint as well. Feli pressed his tongue harder against Ludwig’s in order to taste more of him. When Feli smiled into the kiss and pushed his own tongue into Ludwig’s mouth, Ludwigs let out a small noise, something like a moan or sigh. 

That was when the spell was broken.

 _What am I doing_? Feli’s eyes flew open and he pulled himself off of Ludwig, his hands retreating back to his sides. He pressed a hand to his lips where Ludwig’s had been just moments ago. _Oh God, what did I just do_?

“Feliciano? Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” Ludwig asked softly, concern leaking into his voice. Feli looked back up a Ludwig, eyes wide with a look of horror across his face. He shook his head, backing away. “Hey, it’s alright…” Ludwig reached a hand out to touch Feliciano, but he recoiled as if he had been hit causing Ludwig to pull his own hand back.

“I… I have to go.” With that, Feliciano yanked the door open and took off running down the stairs and made a beeline for the door. He could faintly hear Ludwig called after him for his to come back, but he refused to listen. He just pushed his way passed people and ran out of the house, hurrying as fast as he could down the sidewalk and away from the house. He couldn’t be anywhere near that house any longer. 

As Feliciano ran as fast as he could, for the second time that night, he felt sick. In fact, he felt like he could vomit at any second. He was absolutely disgusted, no, _repulsed_ with himself. He couldn’t believe what he had just done. He had no idea where he was even going, but as long as it was far away from that house, it was heaven. He just couldn’t say there any longer. He couldn’t stay in Germany any longer. He had to leave. And he had to leave now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we finally get to see how feli truly feels for ludwig in this chapter! he wants to love him, he really does, but he just cant bring himself to. he continues to sabotage any happiness he could find in ludwig by pushing him away in the worst way possible.
> 
> also i wrote that last scene in an afternoon and then i spent weeks writing the rest of the chapter lmao. anyway i hope this kiss was good?? ive never written a kiss before nor have i even kissed/been kissed before so i hope i captured it correctly!
> 
> chapter edited/rewritten: 03.11.2018


	8. But all are ruins at your feet

Feliciano stumbled into his apartment, quite literally, in his haste to get inside. He needed to hide away from the staring and questioning eyes of the party goers that weren’t wasted out of their minds as he left the party in such as haste. He needed to get away from Ludwig’s shouts for him to come back, telling him that it was okay, because it was really _not_ okay and it never would be. Not until something was done. Feli just needed to be alone. He needed time to think. He needed...he needed... Suddenly he was overcome with the dizzying feeling of nausea and rushed into the bathroom as quickly as he could, once again quite haphazardly. 

Falling to his knees, Feli kneeled in front of the toilet, barely making it there in time as everything he had eaten today along with the alcohol he had consumed at the party made an encore appearance. He stayed there a minute longer, waiting to see if anything else would come up, but thankfully, the feeling of nausea lifted. Slowly, he sat up and leaned against the cabinet under the sink counter, taking shuddering breaths. He didn’t even bother to try to get rid of the awful taste in his mouth. In all honesty, he had never been so happy to vomit as he had been now. It took the taste of Ludwig from his mouth as well as the scent of him from his nose. The only thing it didn’t get rid of was the feeling that still vaguely tingled on his lips and cheeks. How surprisingly soft and warm Ludwig lips had been pressed up against Feliciano. How his calloused hands could be so soft still. How gentle and kind it had all felt. How it felt like...like coming home. He...

Quickly, Feliciano leaned over the toilet bowl again and vomited for the second time that night. In that moment, it was decided. Feli had to leave; he had to get away. He had to get away from Germany and by extension Ludwig and anyone who would ask questions about what had happened at Gilbert’s party that night. 

He slowly wiped his mouth and stood on shaky legs, bracing himself on sink counter. Feliciano knew what he had to do, but as he thought about it, guilt coiled itself in his gut like he had never felt before. He had to poison Ludwig and he had to do it quickly. It had been done so many times before and often in much worse of ways without compunction so why did he feel so horrible about it now? Of course, he was painfully aware of the answer, but he wished he wasn’t and tried in vain to ignore it. He wished he hadn’t made the connection between how Ludwig looked and how his first love had. He wished Ludwig looked different so he didn’t have to feel this way. So he didn’t have to feel so conflicted and scared and guilty. And in love.

Stumbling to bed and letting himself fall onto the mattress, Feliciano let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. He’d make final decisions in the morning on exactly how to do it and what needed to be done, but first he needed rest to clear his head. His mind was swimming. 

_The crickets chirped softly in the grass and Feli could hear frogs in the distance, peeping in the early spring night. He sat with his back against the single tree in the backyard, looking up through the branches and budding leaves to the stars and the slim, smiling moon. He wasn’t really thinking much; he was just sitting and admiring the quiet of the night and the beauty to the sky. He wish things could always be like this, so calm and quiet and simple. The world often seemed a little bit too hectic and he would kill for just a moment of peace where he didn’t have to think or worry about anything._

_It was then he began to actively think as he stared at the glittering sky splayed out before him. He thought about his family and what they were doing right now or if they were even still out there somewhere. First, he thought of his mother, a fleeting image of auburn hair and a dazzling smile before it was gone. He wondered where she had gone and why she had left him and his brother. In his mind, she was radiant as ever._

_Next, he thought of his older brother, Lovino. Feli missed him more than he even thought he could miss another person. Those sharp and sparkling eyes and his soft dark hair, much different to Feli’s soft and large eyes and chestnut hair that got tangled from him just staying still. He would do anything just to see him again. Feli would endure his brother’s rough teasing and cursing if only it meant he would get to see him again._

_Finally, Feli thought about his grandfather. His dark curly hair, much like Lovino’s, and kind, glittering amber eyes much like Feliciano’s own. He desperately missed the stories he would tell and the sweet sound of his grandfather's voice. As time went on, the sound of his voice grew more fuzzy in Feli’s memory as did the way he looked and how he smelled. It hadn’t even been so long yet it was hard to recall his own family. At first, reminiscing about his family had brought joy to his heart, but slowly it was beginning to melt into sadness as he had to face the frightening truth. He was terrified that in time all his memories of family would grow too fuzzy to recall and he would lose them all together._

_“Hey,” a soft voice spoke out from behind him. “What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?”_

_Feli half turned to see a silhouette, one that he could easily recognize as Otto. Only half of his face was illuminated in the moonlight, the soft light that reflected off his hair looked almost like half a halo. If Feli had never seen him before, he would have thought he was an guardian angel or some other divine being. Especially as he had just shown up so suddenly when Feliciano was in need of some company._

_“Oh, I’m just thinking and admiring the stars,” Feliciano replied, his own voice softer than usual. He turned back around and rested his back against the tree again and looked up at the sparkling sky. He didn’t want to think it but he couldn't help the thought crossing his mind for a brief moment: perhaps his grandfather and brother were up there.  
He felt Otto sit next to his, his shoulder slightly touching Feli’s own. It was quiet between the two for only a moment before Otto commented softly, “You’re crying.”_

_Feliciano lifted a hand to his cheek and felt that they were in fact damp. When had began to cry? It was funny; he couldn’t seem to remember his eyes stinging or his lips quivering or his vision being obscured at all. He must have been too overwhelmed with emotion and preoccupied that a few tears had just slipped out on accident without him noticing. He removed his hand from his face and placed it in his lap, not even bothering to wipe the tears off his cheek. Just as quiet as Otto had been, he remarked in response, “Yes, I guess I am.”_

_Otto frowned in the dark at this answer and shifted on to his knees so he could get a closer look at Feliciano’s face. The white gown he worn would get dirty around the knees, but he didn’t seem to care about that much. “Why are you crying? Please tell me.”_

_All Feli did was shrug, not taking his eyes off the sky. “I don’t know. It just kind of...happened. I didn’t even realize I was crying,” he confessed, feeling another tear slipping down his cheek._

_Slowly, Otto reached out and cupped Feliciano’s left cheek in his small hand, his thumb wiping the tear that had fallen and the rest of the wetness on his face. The warm hand on his cool damp skin caused Feli to jump and finally bring his gaze down from the stars and to Otto. His friend’s lips were set in a hard, stern line, eyebrows pressed together. His eyes also had this certain look of them with an emotion that Feli was unable to pinpoint. He quickly realized that it was a look he often saw on Otto’s mothers-Elizabeta’s-face. Feliciano silently wondered if he had mannerisms from his own mother that he inherited from her. He hoped that he did._

_Even while sitting here next to Otto, Feliciano began to feel so lonely again and lost. He felt almost like a stranger here in Otto’s backyard, and intruder._

_“Feli!” Otto said, snapping him out of his trance once again. He noticed that Otto was much closer than before and was practically sitting on Feliciano’s lap. Had be not been so underlyingly sad, he would have blushed scarlet. He did feel his cheeks rise in temperature just slightly, though. “You’re crying even more now! There can’t possibly be nothing wrong!”_

_Feli flinched at Otto’s scolding. He sounded like he was angry with him. Upon seeing this, Otto’s face softened once more and sighed. “Please, Feliciano. Tell me what’s wrong. I want to help you and I…,” he paused, his eyes flitting away from Feli’s own for a second before returning. “I can’t bear to see you upset,” he finished. Feli noticed in the darkness that the tips of Otto’s ears were flushed pink. Perhaps it was just the chill in the air or a trick of the dim lighting._

_“I’m sorry,” Feliciano spoke softly after a slight pause. “I didn’t even realize that I was doing it again.” He turned his gaze to his lap, wishing that Otto would just stop asking questions and that he would just instead sit silently and keep Feliciano company._

_Otto now reached out with his other hand to completely hold Feli’s face in both hands, tilting his chin up so their gazes could meet. That time, Feli really did feel his cheeks heat up and not just because of the warmth of Otto’s hands. He hoped that he wouldn’t notice. “Please tell me what's wrong,” Otto said softly._

_He thought long and hard about his response. What was Feliciano to tell him? That he missed his family and thought that no one loved him anymore? That he was jealous of Otto for having such loving parents who would never up and disappear just abandoning him and leaving him to wander looking for them only to wander into a completely new country? Instead, Feli settled for the easy response, “I was just thinking about my family. My grandfather and my brother.”_

_“Then why are you sad?” Otto asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Shouldn’t thinking about your family make you happy? It makes me happy thinking about mama and papa and you.”_

_Feli was taken aback for a moment hearing that Otto thought of him as part of his own family. He thought to address it, but instead opted for just responding to the question instead. “Well...I miss them. If you missed your family, would you feel sad?”_

_Otto thought for a moment before nodding. “I guess so. But you’ll find them someday,” Otto assured him. He sounded so sure. He then climbed off of Feliciano and sat next to him, close enough for their arms to still be touching. “And you’re also part of our family now! Me, papa, and mama,” Otto added, smiling brightly at the Italian._

_Slowly, Feliciano nodded and hummed softly. He then smiled a bit, feeling a little bit better. “I guess you’re right.” He still had a chance to find Lovino at least and he also still had Otto and his parents. Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad thing to stay here in the Holy Roman Empire if it meant that he could stay with Otto and his parents. Otto flashed a smile at Feliciano’s answer before standing and extending a hand down._

_“Come on, we should be getting inside.” Feli took it and allowed himself to be pulled up, enjoying the warmth of Otto’s palm in his own. Together they walked inside and Feli couldn’t remember the last time he felt like he was really coming home, at least in his heart._

////

_It was a frigid December afternoon, the sun setting behind the buildings and horizon to the west. Shadows crept and shifted along the walls and floor boards in the light of the fireplace and the candles and lamps Elizaveta had set out. She was now sitting on the couch in the living room slowing embroidering something while Feliciano watched over her shoulder in awe. She was doing it slow enough for him to catch her movements so he could attempt to replicate them later (something he was quite excited about). While she worked, she hummed quietly a beautiful song, one that Feliciano could no longer remember the sound of._

_The room was silent aside from the song humming from Elizaveta and the crackle of the hearth. It was hard to believe the tranquility of the how the moment had been when within the next second, the door crashed in, swinging violently on its hinges and hitting the wall behind it. Everything happened so quickly, most of which Feliciano couldn’t find a way to wrap his head around completely. Martin stood in the doorway, taking heaving breaths like he had run for miles. There was something soaking wet and limp in his arms, dripping all over the floor and soaking the front of Martin’s coat. The look in his eyes was something terrified._

_Weren’t him and Otto going hunting? They didn’t seem to have brought back anything and...where was Otto?_

_Elizaveta seemed to have made the connection much more quickly than Feli had as she was flying off the couch, her embroidery crashing to the floor without care, and running over to Martin and the wet thing in his arms. Otto._

_She slammed the door shut in an instant and took Martin by the arm, quickly leading him over to the fireplace, questions shooting out of her mouth. “What happened?” she demanded, forcing him to kneel in front of the fire with Otto in his arms. Without waiting for answer, she was dashing around the room, grabbing as many blankets as she could find._

_When Martin spoke, he stuttered and spoke in staccato spurts. It was unclear whether this was because of the cold water soaking through his jacket, the fact that he had run all the way home, or because he was worried. Perhaps it was for all three reasons. “I...we were hunting and there was snow covering everything and Otto...he didn’t realize he had stepped out onto the ice until it was cracking underneath him. I got to him and pulled him out as fast as I could but...but it was...he had already….” He trailed off, clutching Otto close to his chest while Elizaveta piled blankets upon blankets on the pair. Feliciano had just noticed that Martin’s lower half was soaked as well._

_He watched all of this without speaking yet his hands were shaking as he began to really connect what was happening all together. As Elizaveta positioned the blankets and quilts ans tightly around the two as possible and Martin shifting, Feliciano barley glimpsed Otto’s face. His lips were slightly blue, his cheeks pale, and his eyelids shut softly almost as if he were sleeping. He was dying._

_Otto...was dying. He was freezing to death, almost like Feliciano had all those years ago. With shaking hands, Feliciano clasped them together in front of him and shut his eyes, and started to pray. He begged God to spare Otto as he had done nothing wrong. He was only a child and he didn’t deserve this. He asked if it was his own fault that Otto was dying as Feliciano had fallen in love with him. If it was, he promised to stay far far away from him as long as it meant that Otto wouldn’t leave them._

_He felt someone touch his shoulder lightly and quickly looked up to see Elizaveta holding a candle in her free hand and smiling down at him in a way that almost seemed painful. Her eyes looked slightly watery and her nose was pink. Her voice was surprisingly smooth. “Come on darling,” she said softly. “Let’s get you off to bed; it’s getting a bit late." She lead him upstairs to his bed room and helped him crawl into bed. She was about to leave the room when Feliciano spoke up from him place on the bed. “Is Otto going to be okay?”_

_Elizaveta froze in the doorway and Feli could have sworn that he saw the hand holding the candle shaking slightly. After a moment of tense silence, she half turned and forced another smile. When she spoke her voice was breathy this time and nearly caught in her throat. “Of course. He’ll be all better in a little while and then you two can play again.” She turned quickly, quietly bid him goodnight, and left the room, shutting the door on her way out._

_In the moment of silence that followed, he felt more afraid and helpless than he had ever felt in his entire life. He had never seen Elizaveta act like that so when she did, it was a cause for concern. Feli laid back and covered his head with the blankets and began to pray again. It was the same thing over and over and over again. Keep Otto safe, keep Otto safe, keep Otto safe please, please, please. He just hoped that there was someone out there listening to him._

Feliciano’s eyes snapped open, the room dark and the sounds of the city continuing outside his window. He grabbed his phone and glanced at the time (4:57 AM) ignoring the several messages and missed calls from Kiku and Bella and Gilbert (how had he gotten Feliciano’s phone number?). Sighing, he dropped his phone back onto the table and rolled into a sitting position. He had only been asleep for a few hours and his dreams had nearly left him more distraught than his waking hours. He silently cursed his subconscious.  
He sat for a few more minutes, gathering his thoughts and trying to push his dreams (or memories?) from his mind as well as the images of Otto and Ludwig. Closing his eyes, Feli began to think of something trying to find a proper plan for what he was to do next. Well to start, the easiest way to get rid of a person without the authorities or suspicion was poison. Something with slow symptoms so the person poisoned would have no idea until it was too late. Feliciano’s eyes snapped open when he thought of that perfect thing: amanita mushrooms. A pleasant taste with delayed symptoms, the perfect thing poison. But...how was he going to get it to Ludwig? And where was his best bet to find them (preferably in a place far away from Germany)?

Feliciano leaned over and grabbed his phone from the table, dismissed all the messages and calls, and quickly began to search.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost 5 months w/o updating rip. BUT! my resolution this year was to write at least 5 new chapters this year so i'll do my best to hold to that! also this had been in my drafts for like ever bc im dumb and kept getting stuck and i felt like i wasn't going to be able to make it as long as i wanted (i try for at least 3,000 or more words every chapter). also sorry if this chapter is kinda boring, its mostly filler lol


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